Empires Short Stories

Incorrect quotes 9

*The squad is having dinner together*
Sausage: Gem, can you pass the salt?
Gem: *Throws Fwhip across the table*

Store Worker: Would a Mx. Sausage please come to the front desk?
Sausage, arriving at the desk: Hello, is there a problem?
Store Worker: points to Gem and Fwhip
Store Worker: I believe they belong to you?
Gem and Fwhip, simultaneously: We got lost :(
Sausage: I didn't even bring you guys here with me-

Sausage: Fwhip and I are having a baby.
Gem: That's gre-
Sausage, slamming adoption papers on the table: It's you, sign here.

Sausage: We need to get through this locked door. Gem, give me your credit card.
Gem: Here.
Sausage, pocketing it: Thanks. Fwhip, kick down the door.

Scott: Three words. Say them and I'm yours.
Jimmy: Three words.
Scott:

Scott: Top 30 reasons why Scott is sorry... Number 5 will surprise you!
Jimmy: Top 30 anime deaths. Number One: YOUR FUCKING ASS RIGHT NOW!!!

Scott: Jimmy...
Jimmy: Oh no, 'Jimmy' in b-flat.
Jimmy: You're disappointed.

Scott: Can you keep a secret?
Jimmy: Do you know anything about my life?
Scott: No I do not. Good point.

Joel: *Posts a super low-quality image to the group chat*
Jimmy: If I had a dollar for every pixel in this image, I'd have 15 cents
Joel: If I had a dollar for every ounce of rage I felt in my body after I read this text, I would have enough money to buy a cannon to fire at you
Fwhip: Actually I did the math, Jimmy would have $225, not $0.15.
Jimmy: Fam I'm right here....
Pix: If I had a dollar I would buy a can of soda :)
Joel: while you're there could you buy me an apply juice please?
Pix: Sorry I only have a dollar
Joel: :(
Fwhip: Hey I just realized my friend is right, Jimmy would have $22,500 because it's a dollar for every pixel, not a cent
Pix: If I had $22,500 I would buy a can of soda and an apply juice
Fwhip: You can buy anything you want with $22,500
Sausage: Yeah and they want soda and apply juice
Fwhip: Apply juice to what
Scott: Directly to the forehead
Jimmy: Great chat everyone

Joel: If you bite it and you die, it's poisonous. If it bites you and you die, it's venomous.
Jimmy: What if it bites me and it dies!?
Fwhip: Then you're poisonous. Jesus Christ, Jimmy, learn to listen.
Pix: What if it bites itself and I die?
Sausage: That's voodoo.
Scott: What if it bites me and someone else dies?
Jimmy: That's correlation, not causation.
Pix: What if we bite each other, and neither of us die?
Sausage: That's kinky.
Joel: Oh my God.

Joel: We need to distract these guys
Jimmy: Leave it to me
Jimmy: Centaurs have six limbs and are therefore insects. Discuss.
Fwhip, Pix, and Sausage: *Immediately begin arguing*
Scott, watching in horror: Oh this. I don't like this. I don't like this at all.

Joel: Everytime I hear someone talking about updog, I'm torn between not wanting to fall for it and wanting to help them complete their joke.
Jimmy: Okay, but what is updog?
Fwhip: Updog is a long sausage in a bun, often served with ketchup, mustard, onions, and/or relish.
Pix: Not, that's a hot dog. An updog is when a new version or patch of an application is released.
Sausage: No, that's an update. You're thinking of the fourth largest city in Sweden.
Scott: Surely, that's Uppsala, where's updog is the giant spider in Harry Potter.
Joel: That's Aragog. Updog is a symbol conventionally used for an arbitrarily small number in analysis proofs.
Pix: You're thinking of epsilon. Updog is an upward-moving air current.
Fwhip: No, that's an updraft. An updog is the modern version of a henway.
Jimmy: What's a henway??
Joel: Oh, about five pounds.

Joel: Who the fuck added me to a fucking group chat?
Jimmy: >:O language
Fwhip: Yeah watch your fucking language
Pix: OKAY WHO TAUGHT FWHIP THE FUCK WORD?
Sausage: 'The fuck word'.
Scott: Are you stupid? You guys use the f word all the time
Fwhip: Oh my god they censored it
Sausage: Say fuck, Scott.
Fwhip: Do it, Scott. Say fuck.

Joel: I CAN'T DO IT!
Jimmy, laughing: I CAN'T EITHER!
Joel: I CANT FUCKING DO IT ANYMORE
Fwhip: WELL I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, YOU CAN EITHER GIVE UP NOW, OR YOU CAN FIGURE IT OUT. BECAUSE WE CERTAINLY CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT YOU, AND WE KNOW YOU CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT US.
Joel:
Joel: I appreciate it,
Joel: BUT LOOK WHAT WE'RE DEALING WITH-
Pix: Joel-
Joel: YOU GOTTA DRAW THE LINE SOMEWHERE!
Sausage: Joel we gotta-
Joel: YOU GOTTA DRAW A FUCKING LINE IN THE SAND. YOU GOTTA MAKE A STATEMENT.
Joel: YOU GOTTA LOOK INSIDE YOURSELF AND SAY 'What am I willing to put up with today?'
Joel, motioning to Scott: NOT FUCKING THIS

Joel: Would you guys be there for me if I was going through something?
Jimmy: Nope, absolutely not.
Fwhip: I hope it sucks, whatever you're going through.
Pix: I hope it emotionally scars you for the rest of your life.
Sausage: I hope you reach out to me so I can ignore you.
Scott: I can't wait to go to your funeral, knowing I could've changed that outcome.

*Squad reactions to being told 'I love you'*
Joel: Thanks fam!
Jimmy: oh no
Fwhip: *cries* I love you too
Pix: Sounds fake but okay
Sausage: *A flustered mess*
Scott: can i get a refund

Joel: Well, aren't you all a rag-tag group of adventurers with unclear goals and good hearts! Oh, let me guess: you're out to save the world!
Jimmy: Well, actually, that sounds like a pretty fair assessment.
Fwhip: More or less, I guess...
Pix: That sounds awesome! Let's do that!
Sausage: I'm new here, but I am open to the concept.
Scott: I thought that's what we were doing, guys, come on!

Joey: My life isn't as glamorous as my wanted poster makes it look like.

Joey, playing a VR game: You see, that's the thing. It PROBABLY is fine. It's PROBABLY 100% okay. There are PROBABLY no spiders in this headset.
Joey: BUT- as you may be able to relate to- If you find a spider in your headset, and then have to put that headset on to play video games...
Joey: YoU jUsT dOnT gEt ToO cOMfOrTaBlE.