Empires Short Stories

Empires incorrect quotes #7 (and why are we still counting?)

A/N just to fulfill your hunger

Joel, trying to convince Katherine to join the group: You know... I thought it'd be good to have someone come along who's really... strong!
Lizzie: And loud!
Jimmy: And grumpy!
Pix: And oblivious to reality!
Katherine:

Joel: What if the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything?
Lizzie: Pregnancy tests are Maybe Babies
Jimmy: Socks are Feetie Heaties
Pix: Forks are Stabby Grabbies
Lizzie: Defibrillators are Heartie Starties
Jimmy: Nightmares are Dreamy Screamies
Pix: Stamps are Lickie Stickies
Katherine, annoyed: You are disappointments

Joel: Is having a penis fun?
Lizzie: It has its ups and downs.
Katherine: Sometimes it's a little hard.
Pix: It's a pain in the ass.
Jimmy: Oh, Jesus, fuck, guys, come on.

Joel: You have to apologize to Jimmy
Lizzie: Fine.
Lizzie: 'Unfuck you' or whatever.

Joel: In my defense, I was left unsupervised.
Jimmy: Wasn't Lizzie with you?
Lizzie: In my defense, I was also left unsupervised.

Lizzie: I know you snuck out last night, Jimmy.
Joel: Play dumb!
Jimmy: Who's Jimmy?
Joel: NOT THAT DUMB!!!

Lizzie: I can't believe you live nearby, and you won't let anyone crash at your place.
Pix: You people already know too much about me.
Katherine: I know exactly three facts about you, and one of them is that you won't let any of us crash at your place.

Sausage: How petty can you get?
Fwhip: I once edited a Wikipedia article to win an argument I was wrong about.

Sausage: If I die, my funeral is going to be the biggest party ever and you're all invited
Fwhip: If?
Gem: Great, the only party I've ever been invited to and they might not even die.

Sausage, at a restaurant: You guys should get the orange soda, it's amazing.
Fwhip: Okay
Waiter: Can I get you guys anything to drink?
Sausage: Orange soda, please!
Fwhip: I'll have the strawberry soda.
Gem: Me too, strawberry soda.
Sausage:

Scott, holding a python: Guys I impulsively bought a snake, what do I name him
Fwhip: You did WHAT–
Sausage: William Snakepeare

Scott: HELP! I TOLD JIMMY I'D COOK DINNER TONIGHT BUT I CAN'T COOK!
Fwhip, pouring milk directly into the cereal bag: And you thought I could help?

Scott: Look. I may not be a saint, but it's not like I've killed anybody. I'm not an arsonist. I've never found a wallet outside of an IHOP and thought about returning it but saw the owner lived out of state so just took the cash and dropped the wallet back on the ground.
Jimmy: Okay, that's really specific, and that makes me think that you definitely did do that.

Scott: Don't worry, I know exactly what I'm doing. Everything is going to be fine!
Jimmy: How can you still say that?
Scott: Because sometimes, when things get tough, denial is all we have.

Katherine: Fuck.
Shrub: We've got to work on your cursing.
Katherine: Why? I'm pretty good at cursing already.

Joey: I made tea.
Xornoth: I don't want tea.
Joey: I did not make tea for you. This is my tea.
Xornoth: Then why are you telling me?
Joey: It is a conversation starter.
Xornoth: That's a lousy conversation starter.
Joey: Oh, is it? We are conversing. Checkmate.

Gem: I'm incredibly fast at math.
Fwhip: Alright, what's 30x17?
Gem: 47
Fwhip: That's not even close.
Gem: But it was fast.

Gem, talking to Fwhip on the phone: Did you preheat the oven like I told you to?
Fwhip: You bet!
Gem: At what temperature?
Fwhip: 535.
Gem: That's the clock.
Fwhip:
Gem:
Fwhip: 536.

Joel: Scott isn't answering their phone
Jimmy: I'll call
Joel: Fwhip and I have both tried six times each, what makes you thi-
Scott: Hello?

Joel, about Scott: Apparently we're getting someone new in the group.
Jimmy: Are we stealing them?
Fwhip: New or used?
Joel: Wonderful responses, both of you.

Katherine, banging on the door: Gem! Open up!
Gem: Well, it all started when I was a kid...
Pearl: No, they meant-
Shrub: Let them finish.

Katherine: On the count of three, what's your favorite cake? One, two, three-
Katherine and Gem, in unison: Chocolate cake peanut butter frosting with chocolate chunks!
Pearl: Our turn, Shrub! One, two, three- vanilla!
Shrub, deadpan: I've never had cake, what is cake.

Katherine: On a scale from "damn Daniel" to "fre sha vaca do", how are you feeling?
Gem: In between "it's an avocado, thanks" and "how did you defeat Captain America", but as a solid answer I would say "I don't need a degree to be a clothing hanger". How about you, Pearl?
Pearl: Probably "road work ahead".
Shrub: I speak many languages, and this is none of them.