Empires Short Stories

Empires incorrect quotes #4

Incorrect quotes cuz why not and its all the codvengers

Joel: And what do I get out of this?
Katherine: I will give you a dollar.
Joel: What do you think I am? A chump? I would never do it for a dollar!
Katherine: How bout two dollars?
Joel: You got yourself a deal.

Lizzie: HYDRATE OR DIE-DRATE!
Lizzie: *aggressively throws water bottles*
Katherine: Uh... what's up with them?
Jimmy: They're trying to yell mental health and wellbeing into us.
Lizzie: I APPRECIATE ALL OF YOU!
Pix, crying: It's working.

Lizzie, spraying a melted cutting board with a tiny water gun: We gotta cool this bitch down. Cool it down.
Joel: I actually just put the cutting board in the oven...
Pix, visibly confused: Okay, so they decided to put the cutting board in the oven?
Lizzie, spraying Joel: You FUCKING DUMBASS!
Joel: Dude, I forgot-
Lizzie: OH MY FUCKING GOD! We're trying to make Chicken Alfredo right now, and you fucking MELT the cutting board in the oven at 400 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT!?
Katherine: *Watching in complete confusion while trying to process this whole situation.*

Lizzie: Why aren't there friend pick up lines? Pick up lines to make friends like-
Lizzie, to Joel: Hey, that's a cute outfit. You know where it would look better? On nobody else, because you're a beautiful individual.
Pix, to Jimmy: Be my friend or I'll set your entire family on fire.
Katherine: There are two types of people.

Pix: You three, explain right now!
Jimmy: It was Joel.
Lizzie: It was Joel.
Katherine: It was Joel.
Joel:
Joel: ...fuck.

Pix: Poison is a magic transmutation potion that turns people into corpses.
Lizzie: This knife is actually a magic wand.
Joel: Meet me in the Denny's parking lot for a wizard duel.
Katherine: *cocks gun* Magic missile.
Jimmy: What the fuck is wrong with you people.

Jimmy: Did you bring Lizzie?
Joel, gesturing to Pix: No, but I brought the next best thing.
Jimmy: Pix? The next best thing would be Katherine.
Pix: I would be offended, but Katherine is freakishly strong.

Joel: Where's Katherine?
Lizzie: Doing stuff.
Joel: I don't like the sound of that. Where's Pix?
Lizzie: Trying to stop Katherine from doing the stuff.
Joel: And Jimmy?
Lizzie: Trying to stop Pix from stopping Katherine from doing the stuff.
Joel: I see. And what are you doing here, Lizzie?
Lizzie: I'm supposed to stop you from stopping Jimmy from stopping Pix from stopping Katherine from doing the stuff.

Pix: They... well, I wouldn't call it inheritance per se. What do you call it when you kill someone and get their stuff?
Katherine: Um, murder???
Jimmy: Adventuring!
Joel: Tuesday.

Lizzie, singing to the tune of I Kissed a Girl: I killed a guy, and I liked it-
Joel, whispering: Should we call the exorcist?
Pix, also singing: The taste of his cherry chapstick.
Jimmy, appalled: Call the exorcist.

Katherine: Lizzie-
Lizzie: *sighs* Joel used to call me Lizzie...
Katherine: ...Because it's your fucking name.

Joel: Are oranges named orange because oranges are orange or is orange called orange because oranges are orange?
Pix: Which came first, the orange or the orange?
Jimmy: Orange was first used to refer the fruit 1280 years ago but was not used as a color until 1000 years ago.
Lizzie: What was the color called before then?
Katherine: There was no color, duh! Everything was black and white!

Katherine: Ah, yes. Here we have a beautiful couple...
Pix: I really care about your feelings!
Joel: I really care about YOUR feelings!
Katherine, turning their head: ...and then there's the disaster couple...
Jimmy: YOU NEED TO PAY MORE ATTENTION TO ME INSTEAD OF BEING AT THE HOSPITAL!
Lizzie: I WOULDN'T HAVE TO SPEND SO MUCH TIME AT THE HOSPITAL IF YOU STOPPED INSISTING ON FIGHTING EVERYONE WHO COMES WITHIN A FIVE FOOT RADIUS OF YOU!

Jimmy: Where's Pix, Lizzie, and Katherine?
Joel: They're playing hide and seek.
Jimmy: Where?
Joel: I don't think you get how this game works.

Katherine: Look guys, I need help.
Lizzie: Love help?
Pix: Financial help?
Jimmy: Emotional help?
Joel: Help moving a body?
*Everybody looks at Joel*
Joel: What?

Joel: Uh, Lizzie? Jimmy is in the pool and I don't think they're waterproof.
Lizzie: What?
Katherine: I think they meant, Jimmy is drowning.
Lizzie: WHAT?!
*Meanwhile*
Jimmy: *is drowning*
Pix: OH MY GOD, JIMMY! KEEP SWIMMING!
Jimmy: I can't swim, dumbass— *sinks*
Pix: JIMMY!

Katherine: Anyone d-
Lizzie: Depressed?
Pix: Drained?
Jimmy: Dumb?
Joel: Disliked?
Katherine: -done with their work... what is wrong with you people...

Joel: You know what I learned from my friendship with Pix?
Lizzie: There's no such thing as too mean?
Jimmy: Never let your friends know for sure if you like them?
Katherine: Always hold a grudge?

Jimmy: Why does Katherine always do the laundry so loudly?
Joel: So everyone knows that no one helps them out in the house.
Katherine, in the distance: *slams the washing machine shut*

Joel: What are you writing?
Pix: The government wants to know what kind of weapons we have in the house. I'm letting them know it's private information.
Lizzie, looking over Pix's shoulder: This just says 'fuck around and find out' in calligraphy.

Jimmy: Did you like the food I made?
Lizzie: No, not really.
Jimmy: But I put my heart and soul into it!
Lizzie: No wonder it tastes so cold and dead.

Katherine: How would you like your pancakes?
Lizzie: Plain.
Pix: With sprinkles!
Jimmy: Chocolate chips.
Joel: Potatoes.
*Lizzie, Pix, and Jimmy look at Joel*
Joel: What? They're good.

Lizzie: Guys... the principal just called—
Pix: It was Joel!
Joel: It was Katherine!
Katherine: It was Jimmy!
Jimmy: It was me!

Joel: Guys, I've been meaning to tell you... Lizzie and I are dating.
Lizzie, Katherine, Pix, and Jimmy: *gasp*
Joel: Lizzie, why are you surprised?!

Katherine: What do rainbows mean to you?
Jimmy: Gay rights!
Joel: There's money.
Pix: The sign of God's promise to never destroy the whole Earth with a flood.
Lizzie: It is an optical phenomenon that separates sunlight into its continuous spectrum when the sun shines on raindrops.

Jimmy: Plants have feelings too?! What is this? Now I can't have food!
Katherine: You can eat a rock.
Lizzie: Air.
Pix: The fabric of time and space.
Joel: Chugging a bottle of bleach can solve all your problems.
Jimmy: You guys are not helpful.

Joel: What's something you guys are better than Lizzie at?
Katherine: Mario Kart.
Pix: Yeah, video games.
Jimmy: Emotional vulnerability.

Joel: What do you do when someone offers you drugs?
Lizzie: Take them!
Katherine: Punch them in the neck!
Pix: Say thank you!
Jimmy: Offer them more drugs to assert dominance!
Joel: ...
Joel: No.