Empires Short Stories

Empires incorrect quotes #5

3 in a row! Signs that you are currently brain dead! Oh and all of these are the Wither Rose alliance now 

Joey: I've done a lot of dumb stuff.
Sausage: I witnessed the dumb stuff.
Scott: I recorded the dumb stuff.
Fwhip: I joined you in the dumb stuff.
Gem: I TRIED TO STOP YOU FROM DOING THE DUMB STUFF!

*The gang's thoughts on stabbing*
Scott: Would never stab anyone.
Joey: Would stab someone in retaliation.
Gem: Yells "I won't hesitate, bitch!" first.
Sausage: Would stab without warning.
Fwhip: Would stab as a warning.

Gem: Hey, let's mess with Scott, guys!
Fwhip: Hey, Scott, your momma so fat-
Scott: My mom committed multiple war crimes and is now locked in solitary confinement in a Bolivian prison.
Joey: Well, uh- your dad-
Scott: My father left when I was two to be captured and consequentially sacrificed by a group of feral ferrets.
Fwhip: The fuck-
Sausage: Well then...
Gem: Stop, Sausage!
Sausage: Your grandparents so-
Scott: My grandmother floated into the sky like a balloon with too much helium when my grandfather spontaneously combusted.
Scott: You cannot best me, mortals.

Scott: Why isn't the statue smirking at me?
Fwhip: It isn't smirking at anyone, they're all just imagining it.
Joey: Three of us saw it, Fwhip. How do you explain that?
Fwhip: *points at Sausage* Sleep deprivation. *points at Gem* Paranoia. *points at Joey* Delusional personality disorder.

Sausage: Gem is a strings kid. We must sacrifice them to the band gods.
Fwhip: Yes.
Joey: You're right. It'd be a good initiation for me.
Gem: Wait, guys, what about the truce we signed-
Fwhip: What truce?
Sausage: *sigh* The truce that we must destroy all the choir kids and leave the strings alone.
Scott: Wait, I'm a choir kid!
Everyone else: *prepares for sacrifice*

Fwhip: Bridge the generation gap by combining old and new slang into one!
Scott: Tubular AF!
Gem: Mood to the max!
Sausage, annoyed: Groovy, I hate it.
Joey, just as annoyed: If she breathes, she's a square.

Fwhip: I'm an idiot.
Scott:
Gem:
Sausage:
Joey:
Fwhip:
Scott: If you're waiting for us to disagree, this is going to be a long day.

Scott: You're a loose cannon, Fwhip.
Fwhip: No, I'm not. I'm a cannon, maybe, but a loose cannon? Is that what you think of me?
Joey: I think you play by your own rules.
Gem: No way, they think rules were made to be broken.
Scott: Those are all attributes of a loose cannon.
Fwhip: No, I'm just a reckless renegade. Sausage is a loose cannon.
Sausage: *smashes a chair* Aah! You shut your trap, Fwhip!
Gem: I'd say Sausage's more of a cop on the edge with nothing to lose. That's an entirely different thing.
Joey: Now I'm just confused. Is Fwhip a loose cannon or not?
Scott: All right, put on a pot of coffee. We're gonna get to the bottom of this.
Fwhip: *groans*
Sausage: Aw, man.

Gem: Are we really going to let Fwhip keep Joey?
Sausage: We kept Scott.

Gem: What did you guys get in your yearbook?
Joey: 'Prettiest Smile'
Scott: 'Nicest Personality'
Fwhip: 'Most likely to start a bar fight'
Sausage: 'Least likely to start a bar fight, but most likely to win one'

The Squad: *walking at the mall*
Fwhip: Hey, have any of you guys seen Scott? They've been gone for a while..
Sausage: Eh, nope.
Gem: No, I haven't...
Joey: Probably ran off to McDonald's or something.
Scott: Hey.
Fwhip: Ooh, there you are-
Sausage: What the fu-
Joey: I- where were you?!
Scott: Walking right behind you guys.

Joey: You're a lying piece of shit!
Sausage: Oh yeah? You're the idiot that thinks you can get away with everything you do, WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD!
Fwhip: I'm leaving and I'm taking Scott with me!
Gem, gathering cards: Aaaaand that's enough Monopoly for today.

Sausage: We've been conducting an ongoing study to see what Scott will and will not eat.
Fwhip: Grass? Yes!
Sausage: Moss? Yes!!
Fwhip: Leaves? Ohh, yes!
Sausage: Shoelaces? Strange but true!
Fwhip: Worms? Sometimes!
Sausage: Rocks? Usually nah.
Fwhip: Twigs? Usually!
Sausage: Joey's cooking? Inconclusive!
Gem: How did you... test this?
Sausage: You just hand them stuff and say 'eat this' and if they eat it, they eat it.
Gem: ... I don't know how to feel about this.
Joey: IS THAT WHERE ALL MY SPARE SHOELACES WENT?

Sausage: So what, now I'm just supposed to do everything that Gem does? What if they jump off a cliff?
Joey: If Gem were to jump off a cliff, they would have done their due diligence regarding the height of the cliff, the depth of the water, and the angle of entry. So yes, if you see Gem jump off a cliff, by all means, jump off a cliff.
Sausage: You jump off a cliff.
Joey: Gladly, provided Gem did first.

Joey: Hey, I see those leaves, where are you from?
Sausage: Illinois.
Joey: AAYYYE, I KNEW IT! ME TOO!
Fwhip: Did you just identify a state by looking at its leaves.

Fwhip: It was difficult, so you've just given up. You might fail, so why bother trying?
Scott: Exactly.
Scott, to Joey: I told you they'd understand.

Scott: I just found out from Gem today that when Joey died and the service did the 21-gun salute at their funeral, Fwhip said, "They should aim at the coffin to be sure."

Joey and Sausage: *making loud, shouty gorilla sounds at each other*
Gem:
Scott, exasperatedly: We have a guest.

Fwhip: What's wrong? You look 10 seconds away from ripping someone's throat out.
Joey: Fucking Scott and Sausage were trying to invoke one of the minor gods again last night. I didn't get an ounce of sleep, thanks to their bloody chanting.

Sausage, watching Fwhip & Scott panic : What's going on?
Gem: Fwhip is having a midlife crisis and Scott is just having a crisis.

Sausage: Joey... How do I begin to explain Joey?
Jimmy: Joey is flawless.
Scott: I hear their hair's insured for $10,000.
Gem: I hear they do car commercials... in Japan.
Fwhip: One time they punched me in the face... it was awesome.
Joey: Thank you all, but what is Jimmy doing here?

Fwhip: Who the fuck broke the toaster?
Joey: It was Scott.
Gem: It was Scott.
Sausage: Scott broke it.
Scott:
Scott: ...yOU PROMISED-

Scott: How do you connect with a fictional character?
Sausage: What?
Gem: What?
Fwhip: What?
Joey: *pulls up a 500 slide presentation* I'm glad you asked.

Sausage: You're just jealous. All my friends tell me I remind them of Fwhip.
The Squad: *screaming*
Joey: She looks like Fwhip? Are you out of your fucking MIND?
Scott: Fwhip, sweetie, I am SO sorry. I am SO SORRY that an ugly-ass bitch like this would even say that. Oh my god.
Joey: Fwhip? Fwhip? Fwhip? You know who you fucking look like? You fucking look like Gem!

Gem: If you put a milkshake in one yard and crack open a cold one in another yard, which yard would the boys go to?
Sausage: Schrödinger's boys.
Fwhip: FUCK!
Scott: What about cracking open a cold milkshake?
Joey: As we all know, the milkshake brings the boys to the yard. The presence of the boys is a prerequisite for the cracking open of a cold one, but cold ones do not have any inherent boy-attracting abilities. Milkshakes, however, do.
Joey: All else being equal, the boys would proceed to the milkshake yard. While it is possible to announce the presence of cold ones in the hope of attracting some boys, the pull of the milkshake is much more powerful by comparison.
Gem: ...
Sausage: ...
Fwhip: ...
Scott: ...
Joey: Mind you, all of this nonsense hinges on whether or not the boys are back in town.

Sausage: Like they say, "If you can't beat them, curl up in a ball and protect your organs."