July 6th, 2022
Typing in real time on this app.
It's almost 2am on a Tuesday night- I've got work early tomorrow and I can't help but feel this sense of restlessness overwhelming my body at the thought of you. It's a restlessness that is unwelcome and uncomfortable, unbearable and all consuming. I can hardly stand my own company on nights like these. It's pathetic. I no longer want to be someone who pines and grieves- I actually never wanted to be someone who pines or grieves. I thought I could leave this version of myself behind along with my thoughts of you; and I almost did, I almost do every time.
I never want to hate anything- it doesn't do anything good. But I hate what you do to me and especially what you have done to me. I absolutely despise it with the entirety of my conscious mind. I never wanted to victimize myself at the thought of another person, especially not to the extent that I have with you. The incessant burning in my stomach and ever-ticking clock in my brain remind me that you are still here always; they remind me that I am not a person that can leave everything about you behind. I'm forced to write in journals and notes apps, gratitude columns and publications just to help myself sleep at night after what you've made me do. I never wanted to be this person. I feel so out of my body in a way that feels psychotic. I feel disgusting- and disgusted with myself because of the person I have become. I feel disgusted with myself that I have ever stooped to your levels of obsession, victimization, and guilt. This is crazy. Writing to someone who will never care is crazy- writing to someone who is not capable of caring is crazy. Or maybe it was just me, you aren't capable of caring for.
At this point, I am just asking for forgiveness from the universe. I need to sleep- I need to live. I can no longer revolve around you as a person consciously nor subconsciously. When I'm okay, I need to be truly and deeply okay- not just running from my emotions. I do hate the person you warrant me to become. This "stalking instagram, looking for your fake account, seeing who you've tagged and wondering why you're active at the same time as me" person. I HATE HER. I HATE WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME. I hate that you've always done this to me. You have always made me this way. I need to breathe. Please. I am begging for forgiveness and retribution. I am begging for the anger and envy to leave my body, and the thoughts of you to dissipate as fast as they come. I can no longer resent you, and no longer wish to cross your mind. I can no longer think of you with malice nor longing. I have to stop escalating this situation into something more than it is on the surface- which is just a messy messy break up from a toxic and unhealthy relationship. Out of all the love you gave me, I feel like I came out with nothing but open wounds and tear stained cheeks. You have always taken me for granted and never saw me the way that I saw you- even when you held me at your highest. I'm sorry I couldn't bare to let you go this entire time- this absolute lifetime of just over a year. It's pathetic, but even the pathetic need to heal.
I shouldn't see myself as pathetic nor should I undersell how awful you were to me- but at the same time I don't want to victimize myself and make a big deal out of this like a 'crazy' person. I think of her and how she healed. I need to stop allowing jealousy and envy to overpower my brain. I have so much to offer and so much love to give. I never wanted you to be a lesson, but I know that you are. I love you unconditionally always, but I am just so lost and hurt and confused at what to do. I hope my efforts to the universe do not go unnoticed. I'm truly just praying and begging that things begin to look up soon. Tonight was awful. I'm so ashamed of myself for doing something people, even you, do so often- because I am just so over stooping to a level I should never even want to. It feels like I've relapsed and the guilt is settling in- over fucking looking at your instagram FUCK. Something has got to give, I have got to give. I'm so exhausted. I know it gets better, and maybe we'll even get better. But it just feels so impossible in this very moment- even though it didn't yesterday and might not even tomorrow, it feels impossible right now. I feel absolutely stupid right now, and I shouldn't. I never wanted to be this way, this stuck. I know it will be better. I know we will both be better. We always say that don't we- hanging up the phone or as our own way of saying "goodbye."
"You be good."
"You be better."
Please God.
YOU ARE READING
To: L
Non-FictionI never sent these, and won't- but what if they made their way to you somehow I wouldn't mind it. This is a compilation of texts and letters that live in my notes app, all addressed to a boy who's filled me with so much emotion and anguish that I've...
