To: L

THINK

May 2022
I used this Note entitled "THINK" as a place to put my messages that seemed necessary or safe to send as a way to review them before I thought to send them. I ended up compiling almost all of these into one letter- as seen in Part 3.

Post ending our exclusive situation-ship (for the second time) that we never labeled.

Tuesday
It's been so hard stopping myself from talking to you, and as you can tell I'm not doing a good job but I can't take it anymore at the risk of being annoying or bothersome or crazy or loosing you, my sanity is more important. I'm so tired of not sleeping, of keeping your jacket next to me to give me a false sense of security of waking up throughout the night, of waking up nauseous at sunrise every single day, of not being able to eat, of wanting to throw up all the time, I keep telling myself that if we have this conversation or that conversation that I'll feel better, and for the most part do feel better when we have them - hanging out with you makes me feel better, talking to you about what's going on and you honestly answering me- makes me feel better, it heals me, because I'm not left alone I'm the dark about what's going on. And every time we get done hanging out I feel so relieved at the sense that we can be normal together, but then it sets in and all of the thoughts that still linger in my head, the things I'm really hurting over the questions I really wanted to ask, not just what I brought up to your face. Temporary relief is good, and it works but the pit I get after of what I should have done, is worse every time, and I can't keep anything in any longer.

What happened because something had to have happened, was it something I did, someone or something you saw, did someone say something that made you feel like I was never going to be good enough for you? You don't just do these things without a trigger L. Otherwise, you would have done this at the beach or when you decided we shouldn't have sex, but you did it that day regardless of the plans you made and were excited about. You lied to me relentlessly last time by telling me it wasn't my fault, it wasn't anything I did or said, but it was. It was because I said something too similar to a girlfriend. I put a a pressure on you to think of me when you made plans and it was too much at the time. So, at this point I refuse to believe that you were weighing on this for weeks when you had multiple honest and genuine opportunities to be real with me to my face. ESPECIALLY when you made plans for us to do things in the future, boat rides and work schedules and golfing, why even plan something tonight let a lone tomorrow if you don't want to be with me.

Are you trying to ghost me? Or purposely trying to push me away, you say all of these things that I'll have you as a friend, I'm your dearest friend but friends answer each other, and honestly

I know you're doing this on purpose, you said you would never hurt me intentionally and I believed you but this feels intentional, you're avoiding me knowing how I'm hurting, YOU DID THIS TO ME

What happened to you, you hate the moon, you call people back, you remember to text people back, you're kind and compassionate but this is neglectful and selfish acting as if I have this ability to confide in you but you would even answer a call or a text, as IF we weren't each other's person for months as if you hated spending time with me

How would you feel if a boy did this to [his little sister], what would you say to him, what would you expect her to do when she cares about their connection so much it hurts. Look at it from an outsiders perspective and tell me you wouldn't hate the boy that did this to her. Imagine her crying on the floor and pacing around her room, because she doesn't even have her best friend any more. Beating herself up wondering for the love of god what changed over night, to make me go from the person who made him feel like himself again, the person who gave music a meaning, the person who made him laugh the hardest he's ever laughed in his life at a Waffle House over stupid tiny animals to the most insignificant person in his life, who isn't even worth a phone call or an answered text. Look at it from her perspective, begging herself to understand what did she do wrong.