To: L

You hurt me.

Typed May 24th, 2022
I was going to see him to give him his things, and get mine. I drove straight over after the gym, it had to be almost midnight. I printed this and put it in the bag of stuff I gave him.

Heavily drafted from the THINK Note.

It's been so hard stopping myself from talking to you, trying to convince myself that I don't need to, and coming to terms with the fact that you don't want to. I used to write about how I felt when my parents would argue, as an outlet for emotions I'd never say to their face. It helped. So, I started writing to you. A letter I'd never send, but emotions, thoughts and feelings that needed to be released. If you're reading this ( it's too late ) and you can tell I'm not doing a very good job at trying not to communicate with you. But frankly, I can't take it anymore, and at the risk of being annoying, bothersome, clingy, crazy, or worst of all loosing you, I have to be honest with myself in the most vulnerable way. So, the following letter, whoever may read it, I physically cannot hold anything back for the sake of my sanity. It's dramatic, and probably selfish, but I don't have it in me anymore to defend my emotions and I shouldn't have to. And that's not to say that yours aren't valid, because the absolutely are, in fact they're the most valid to me, otherwise I wouldn't try my hardest to comply with everything you ask of me, no matter how difficult it is.

I'm so tired of not sleeping, of keeping your jacket next to me at night to give me a false sense of security, of waking up throughout the night, of waking up nauseous at sunrise every single day, of not being able to eat and always having to throw up when I do. I keep telling myself that if we have this conversation or that conversation that I'll feel better, and for the most part do actually feel better when we have them. Hanging out with you makes me feel better, talking to you about what's going on and you honestly answering me- makes me feel better. It heals me because I'm not left alone I'm the dark about what's going on, I have the smallest of insight on how you're handling everything and I don't feel so alone. Every time we get done hanging out, whether it's a couple hours or twenty minutes, I feel so relieved at the sense that we can still be comfortable together. But then it sets in, and all of the thoughts that still linger in my head, the things I'm really hurting over, the questions I really wanted to ask but didn't for the sake of keeping things easy and lighthearted, it finds its way into my brain. Temporary relief is good, and it works, but the pit I get after of what I should have done, is worse every time, and I don't think I can keep anything in any longer.

The question that lingers the most is, what happened? Because something had to have happened. Was it something I did, someone or something you saw, did someone say something? You don't just change the entire way that you view someone without a reason Lee. Otherwise, you would have done this at the beach during sunset, or when you finally had the courage to say that we shouldn't have sex and we talked about us for hours. I refuse to believe that you just woke up that morning and decided that I was only worth the bare minimum of a friendship, for the sole reason that you did it that day regardless of the plans you made for days to come and were excited about, and regardless of the hearts and affection you gave me endlessly up to the night before. You lied to me relentlessly telling the first time this happened by swearing to me that it wasn't my fault, that it wasn't anything I did or said, but it was. It was because I said something too similar to a girlfriend, that you jumped to the conclusion that I expected to much from you too fast and it would never work out. I put a a pressure on you to think of me when you made plans and it was too much at the time. So, you have to at least understand how, at this point, I refuse to believe that you were weighing on this for weeks when you had multiple honest and genuine opportunities to be real with me to my face and end things. Especially when you made plans for us to do things in the future, boat rides and work schedules and golfing. What type of psychopath plans so many things if they're burdened with the fact that they don't want to be with me.