To: L

"I know we could do it."

February 2nd, 2022
Post break up- specifically post pregnancy scare and hooking up post break up. I portioned out my letter in a way I felt might be less crazy over text.

I keep replaying the last year in my head and I can't make sense of this.

Everything we ever did, you initiated - everything we ever planned, I let myself look forward to because you brought it up. I'm so sorry that I don't believe you when you say you aren't in love with me. I don't believe you because we actually were capable of being just friends. You calling me every day for weeks to see different movies and do things together, I never expected anything more, I was just happy to be doing those things with you again finally. I'm not sure why you would cross the line once again if you didn't want to, if you had already ended things for the same reasons you are now.

I don't believe you because these memories are flooding through my head of moments that were so intimate and surreal, I know there was no pressure behind them.

Like that night at peppers, the air was so electric and we laughed the entire time, we didn't even eat our food. How then, and always you make goofy faces at me when we pass each other driving.

When we met at sonic, and it was raining so hard. I played you Frank Ocean and we kissed for the first time in so long. You apologized for being so distant. You wished I didn't wear my yellow shorts that you love so much.

How you texted me every day you that were in Key West, when I wholeheartedly expected not to speak to you at all while you were gone. But you missed me.

The way you looked at me that day we went to Margaritaville, how we put on Tommy Bahama perfume and you had your arm around me the whole way there.

How excited you were to show me everything you picked out for me at TJMaxx with your mom, and how sweet and genuine you were about giving them to me.

The look on your face when I said I would always shave your back or cut your toe nails, how sweetly you said no one has ever done anything like that for you before.

The look on your face when I told you I always want you to bring your own putter to putt putt, and never want you to feel like you can't or shouldn't. I love my putter.

The way you kept looking at me smiling when you took me on the boat.

How excited you were to show me Chiz, or Bob, or Markiplier and how happy you always got just seeing that I enjoyed them as much as you knew I would.

When I was making a weird noise that day at windswept, waiting for you to get your clubs, playing with the cart, and I didn't know you were watching, I got so embarrassed but you just smiled so big with your crinkles around your eyes, and just said how much you loved me.

How heartbroken you were when you considered what went through my head when you and hannah surprised me, and how you made sure to tell me you could never hurt me like that.

How tightly you hugged me after not seeing each other for thanksgiving and Christmas. The sweetest texts you send me when you miss me.

How excited you were to show me your fancy shirt you would wear to the red bar, helping me step over puddles and holding me so tightly in the booth.

How you always want to show me your beard after you shave and your hair when you do something different, and how you're so cute about asking if I like it.

How you always hold my hand if I sit in the back seat and you sit in the front.

How you love my hair, and would braid it and brush it for me without me asking.

How you always scratch my back and rub my head for hours without me asking.

How you always pull me closer when you're driving, holding my head and kissing me at stoplights.

How you like to be my baby, and the way you snuggle up to me. No matter how we lay together tangled, it's always comfortable. Our bed, our home theatre.

And most of all how kindly you always settled my insecurities and doubts, how we always talk about things, like that day at Amavida. You told me with so much certainty, that is why you just love me so much, forever and always, because no one else could speak so gently like that about their problems.

That's just scraping the surface of the past few months, I could list infinite memories for this entire year because they're all rushing in my head right now and I can't stop them. I know you never forced yourself to do any of that. I know these past few weeks had felt less like our typical routine and I did cause problems. But to me it just feels like you don't want the responsibility of having to think about someone else when you make decisions. I want you to do everything you love always, and I didn't ever want you to feel like you couldn't do those things. I think for the first time I was upset, and it grounded you that this was a serious relationship. And you were left wondering how we got here, and realized you don't want to be here.

You never do anything you don't want to do. You wouldn't have reached out to me so often if you didn't have feelings for me. You wouldn't talk about a future if you didn't see it happening. You wouldn't have moved past seeing movies and playing putt putt if you didn't want to be with me. It just feels like you aren't capable of committing. I don't think its a lack of love. You want to focus on yourself and your career and everything it takes to be the best, and I support that indefinitely. I've always supported your dreams. You always leave me when things make you feel trapped. But you always come back because of what we have. I do love incredibly hard, but that's not to make you feel bad. You have been a main source of happiness for me, and I wish everything else in my life was less complicated so I hadn't relied so much on you. I understand I have to find myself as well.

But every single time you've done this, you've said the same things, which is why it's so hard for me to believe. Its different now because we got so far this time. It wasn't just us messing around, it was a relationship and I'm entitled to talk this through with you. After everything we've been through, the hopes and dreams we've shared, you have to have the same memories I do and feelings I have. What we have is real. I would do this every day for you because I know what's there.

I regret reacting the way that I did Wednesday, but I was in shock, summer was so hard for me with the immediate loss I had of someone that was my other half for so long. I said stupid things. But I could never hate you or disrespect you. I'm always here. I know what we have is different and it's never been normal, but I miss you. I want to send you things on instagram, see movies we've talked about, watch YouTube together and cook together, and that shouldn't have to stop, because I felt your happiness in doing those things too. I felt the love between us. I never want you to feel guilty about wanting to see me or changing your mind, or missing me. I just think we needed to take a step back. Things don't have to end the way that they did, we don't have to be distant and erase each other. We can be in each other's lives, and do the things we love together. Please don't shut me out again, after the life we built together.

Please tell me if you miss me. I'm always, always here.

Sorry if you were busy last night, I was at the gym and wanted to drop your stuff off but you weren't home.

We didn't speak for one month exactly.