To: L

In case you won't speak to me-

January 26th, 2022
Typed as a word document- he's coming to drop off my stuff. I printed it out and held it in my back pocket the entire time we talked.

If you're reading this, its because I felt confident enough to lay everything out for you. Which was a big step for me, but I trust you. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to say these things to your face, probably because it was too much for me or for you. I know its long, but its been so hard to wrap my head around things I just started typing and couldn't stop. I trust you enough to read it through, without judgement. I know its hard to feel things again when you're broken up, but its hard when you're there everyday for months and gone overnight.

To me, it doesn't feel real because it was so quick and spontaneous. Everything we've ever done, was all because of you - everything we ever planned, I let myself look forward to because you brought it up. I'm so sorry that I don't believe you now when you say you aren't in love with me. I don't believe you because we actually were capable of being just friends. You calling me every day for weeks to see different movies, laughing with you and doing random things together, I never expected anything more, I was just happy to be doing those things with you so often again. I'm not sure why you would cross the line of loving me that way once again if you didn't want to, especially since you had already ended things for the same reasons you are now. I'm not sure why you feel the need to fight it either.

I don't believe you because these memories are flooding through my head of moments that were so intimate and surreal, I know there was no pressure in your heart behind them.

Like that night at Peppers, the air was so electric and we laughed the entire time, we didn't even eat our food. You kissed me and it started raining. How then, and always you make goofy faces at me when we pass each other driving. Especially our llama hands.

When we met at sonic, and it was raining so hard we just sat and listened to music. I played you Frank Ocean and we kissed for the first time in so long. You apologized for being so distant. You told me we'd make great parents. You wished I hadn't worn my yellow shorts that you love. I also loved your laundry day shorts too much.

How you texted me every day while you were in Key West, when I wholeheartedly expected not to speak to you at all while you were gone. But you missed me. You just kept saying how much you loved me.

The way you looked at me that day we went to Margaritaville, how we put on Tommy Bahama perfume and you had your arm around me the whole way there. It still feels like a movie right?

How excited you were to show me everything you picked out for me at TJMaxx with your mom, and how sweet and genuine you were about giving them to me.

The look on your face when I said I would always shave your back or cut your nails, how sweetly you said no one has ever done anything like that for you before. I love everything about you.

The look on your face when I told you I always want you to bring your own putter to putt putt, and never want you to feel like you can't or shouldn't. ( unless its to be fair and not for practice, because you're literally a tour level putter ) I love my putter so much, and how proud you are of how good I've gotten.

When you helped me find my dad. No one else was there for me, and you wanted to protect me. You dried my tears, got me water and a jacket, and held me all night after it was over.

When you lost your sunglasses I bought, but I didn't care. You looked at me with so much love.

The way you kept looking at me smiling when you took me on the boat for the first time, and how excitedly you'd talk about us going all summer.