Stella/Scully One-shots

douleur

William is fast asleep in her arms, stirring every so often as his tiny joints stretch. Dana looks down with wide, adoring eyes, every facet of her soul fulfilled and alive. Each sleepy coo makes her heart flutter more and she cannot bring herself to take her eyes off his sleeping form. There's an urgency within her, an innate impulse to savor this moment. As if something looms ahead, lying in wait to steal this blissful moment away from her. Drawing him closer, she sniffs the top of his head, nuzzling the tip of her nose in his sparse blonde hairs. He smells like vanilla and powder, a mixture of her scent and a unique scent all his own. His soft skin is warm against her face and she registers a small tear slipping down her cheek. Why, she's not entirely sure. In this moment she feels nothing but overwhelming joy, everything she could've hoped for lying asleep peacefully in her arms, and yet the dread still lingers deep within her. Desperately trying to push the feeling away, she places her lips against his forehead. Her kiss is gentle but firm, and her nostrils fill with his scent all over again as she stays there for a minute. He remains fast asleep as she whispers quiet nothings to him, his chest rising and falling against her neck. She never wants to let go, never wants to accept a reality in which this moment could end. If time could be paused, now is when she would pause it.

When William begins to rouse, mewling against her cheek, she lays him flat into her lap and smiles down at him. His big blue eyes stare back at her, as if bewildered to see her and a gnawing feeling takes place deep in her stomach. Something is shifting. The longer she stares down at her beautiful boy, the more faded his features become. His bright blue eyes fade into a blurry hue of gray, his toothless grin and chubby cheeks no longer visible. Her heart beats rapidly in her chest as she clings to him, tears flowing freely down her face as she tries with all her might to recreate the image of him, to bring him back to her once more. Panic sets in and she feels the walls around her caving in, the room seeming to crumble as she stays perched on her bed. She lets her eyes close, holding tight to the bundle in her arms, hoping that when she opens them he'll be there again. However, the weight she's so tightly grasping onto slowly begins to feel lighter and she already knows what she's going to find when she does decide to look. Taking a deep, shuddering breath, Dana peels her eyes open reluctantly to see that her arms are now empty, as she expected they would be. Her baby is gone, once again, and her heart shatters in her chest.

Scully wakes with a start, shooting up in bed and clutching at her sheets desperately. Tears are already streaming down her face and she can feel a weight pressing against her chest, making it nearly impossible to breathe. She feels trapped and small and unable to move or speak. Her mind is running a mile a minute, still confined in the haze between imagination and reality. Panicked, she looks around the room, as if searching for her baby, even though she knows he's not there. Still, when she confirms this, it crushes her. The sobs start low in her chest and Scully knows instantly they will be deafening when they finally break free. Clasping her hand against her mouth, she allows the first cry to escape and feels her body shudder with its intensity. Despite the room being overall dark and silent, she feels oversensitized. Unable to get herself to breathe, her panic festers, causing her to hyperventilate. She wants to scream, but decides against it as she registers how dark it still is. Not to mention, she's not sure she even has it in her. Her body feels utterly depleted, unable to move as she sits like a statue in her bed. Clutching the duvet with her free hand, Scully squeezes as tight as she can, as if trying to transfer the violent sob that breaks from her onto something else.

Just as Scully begins to feel lightheaded, her panic attack stealing all of the oxygen she has, she feels a soft hand against her shoulder blade. Squeezing her eyes closed, she tries to quiet her sobs, desperately wanting to protect the person next to her from seeing her this way. As if this same dream hadn't been occurring frequently for years. As if they hadn't spent countless nights by her side, holding her as she mourned her beautiful baby boy.

"Dana," Stella says softly, her eyes looking her over groggily, "Come here, love."

Stella tries to pull her close, wanting more than anything to comfort her devastated wife, though predicts she won't let her. By now, this had become routine: Scully waking up in the night after dreaming of William, panicked and beside herself, unwilling to accept comfort amidst her panic and despair. Yet somehow, Stella always got through.

Wrapping her arms around the redhead, she pulls her body until it's braced against her own. Scully's back rests against Stella's front, her torso now held tightly in Stella's arms. Heart wrenching sobs fill the room, sickeningly loud. Despite the pain she feels hearing Scully so distressed, Stella doesn't move, or speak, simply holds her lover firmly, ensuring she knows she's not alone. And when the cries eventually begin to quiet, she places gentle kisses against the side of her head.

Stella moves them again, easier now with Scully in a docile state. She lays down, bringing Scully with her and maneuvering them so that they are face to face. Reaching to cup her face in her hands, Stella strokes her cheek gently with her thumb. Scully's eyes are bloodshot and droopy, though there's more clarity in them now than there had been when Stella first awoke. They lay in silence for a while, Stella gently caressing her face until her eyes finally close. Stella knows she's not asleep, but is relieved she's finally calm again.

"I love you. I got you." She whispers softly, leaning in to place a kiss against Scully's forehead.

All she receives in return is a quiet hum, but it's enough. She doesn't say anything more. Nothing can be said. No words will ever make a difference. All she can do is hold her close and ensure she never has to feel alone. Night after night, Stella does exactly that. Having made a promise to herself that she will always be there to remind Dana that she is loved and cherished beyond measure, and that she is allowed to forgive herself.