I don't blame you. I never did.

Part 26 - Doughnuts.

I was enjoying the partially comfortable silence in the car with Steve, granted there was that little speck of awkwardness but it was bearable, of course that silence was interrupted when Steve decided to speak up.

"How are you y/n? Honestly?" He asks me as he looks over at me. I semi glance over to him before focusing my sight on the road. "I'm fine" I lie to him. "I know your not fine y/n" he states while not taking his eyes off me. I lean forward and grip the stirring wheel a tad bit harder before shifting a little in my seat.

"I'm fine Steve." I reply coldly. "Your not fine. I know your not fine because if you were you'd be at that tower with Bucky not in this car driving to the store with me. So no y/n, your not fine." He states boldly. I sigh and briefly put my forehead against the steering wheel as we pull up to a red light.

"Talk to me y/n. What's going on? Why are you pushing Bucky away?" He asks me, even though I'm not looking at him I know he's frowning in concern. I sigh as I sit back in my seat, I can feel the tears welling in my eyes, I try to blink them away but it just makes them worse. "Because" I start, my voice cracks and I don't want to continue but I know I have to. "Because they were right. It's my fault. Everything that has happened to him, it was because of me. How the fuck am I supposed to look him in the eyes knowing that it's my fault?" I blurt out to him.

I look over to Steve, tears sliding down my cheeks. He's also looking back at me sympathy filling his face. "What happened y/n? How's any of it your fault?" He asks me softly. "He didn't tell you?" I ask him genuinely confused. I thought with Bucky finding Steve he would have told him everything.

"He didn't tell me much about hydra when he got back. Hell I didn't even know you existed." He confesses. "Charming" i reply causing us both to giggle a little. "He tell you about the memory wipes?" I ask. "Yeah a little bit, told me they used to do them and turn him into the winter soldier" he tells me. "So he didn't tell you about the fact that I could turn him back into Bucky? And the fact that every single time they wiped his memory that's what I did? The fact that they constantly wiped his memory because of me? Because I kept bring him back, every damn time?" I question him. Tears now falling harder down my face.

"Y/n-" Steve starts to say. "So you also don't know they they told me he was dead, and that was my fault. For years I thought he was dead. And I believed, with every fibre of my being that all of that shit hydra put me through, all of it, I believed I deserved it. I would constantly fight them and piss them off until they tortured me because I thought I deserved it. And even if he wasn't dead I still put him through all that bullshit from that damn machine" I interrupt him.

"I-" he begins to speak again. "And then of course he started protecting me. Which just caused more shit for him. Which again, in turn was my fault. And then they take me again and for a month tell me how much shit I put the one person who's cared about me since Oliver through. So don't even think about telling me it's not my fault, or he'll forgive me. Because it is and he shouldn't. Okay Steve?" I once again cut him off and start shouting at him. Completely ignoring the fact I just told him about Oliver. I didn't even care if he knew about him anymore.

"Pull over" he says bluntly. "What?" I question looking at him. "Pull over" he repeats. I do as he says and pull over on the side of the road. "Get out" is all he says. A little confused as to why he's being short with me, I obey him and get out of the car. I watch as he does the same.

He walks over to me and embraces me in a hug. I melt into his touch and cry into his shoulder. He starts walking with me still buried into him. I pull away from him as he stops moving. He opens the passenger side door and ushers me to get in the car. As I get in he shuts my door and walks around to the drivers side of the car and gets in.

Getting more confused by the second, as he drives off I decide to speak. "Where are we going?" I ask him. "Screw shopping, we're getting doughnuts." He tells me simply. "Steve I-" I begin to say before Steve does the interrupting this time. "No buts y/n, we're getting doughnuts." He declares. "Okay" I say quietly, leaning my head against the window.

Steve pulls into the parking lot of a nearby shopping centre and instructs me to stay put before he gets out and runs inside. I try to quickly compose myself by wiping my tears away and trying to control my breathing but the tears just keep flowing.

Steve gets back in the car and hands me a bag of freshly made doughnuts. I just sit silently crying and basically playing with the doughnuts. "Y/n you need to eat something, you haven't touched food since you got back" he tells me. "Sam brought me some up when I got back, I only ate a little bit but I already ate a few days before that" I shrug as I inform him. "A few days- y/n you need to eat something. Please?" He responds.

I take a little bite of the doughnuts slowly making my way through one. "Thank you." He says as he takes a bite of his own. "Remember when you tried to strip at Tony's party?" Steve asks me while laughing. I can tell he's trying to distract me and I am thankful that he isn't prying at the subject. "Oh god. And if I remember correctly, you were one of the ones that stopped us." I tell him causing us both to fall into laughter.

"So Nat huh?" I smirk at him. "What?" He questions darting his eyes over me. I stifle a laugh a little. "Don't play dumb. I see the way you look at her. I'm not blind, and your the one who stopped her specifically from stripping. You like her" I tell him presenting him with a knowing look.

"I-" he begins, being cut short by the ringing of him phone. "Hey Buck, what's up?" He asks as he answers the phone. "We'll drive back now, won't be long" he tells Bucky. I can't hear what Bucky saying but I assume we have a mission judging from the way Steve's demeanour changed. "Yeah she is, we went for a drive" great now they're talking about me. "She's not coming" I just about hear a muffled Bucky say from the other end of the phone. "I know, I was just about to tell her that" Steve replies.

Like hell I ain't coming and these guys will have a damn hard time trying to stop me. "I'm coming." I tell him. "No your not" he tries to argue. "You really want to fight me on this?" I ask him. "She's coming" Steve tells Bucky through the phone. "Well I'm not gonna stop her and I recommend you do the same." Steve says as he hangs up the phone and starts to drive off.

"So what's the mission?" I ask him as we speed down the roads. "One of the shields, agents, daughters are being held hostage by someone who apparently wants to get attention and shield have asked us to intervene, apparently there's a few of them with guns and potentially bombs." He informs me.

We get to the compound and immediately rush to meet the others and gear up. "Your not coming" Tony informs me as we get in the tower. "Yes I am." I state. "I wouldn't argue with her Stark" Steve warns him. "Fine, your gonna need this" Tony says as he hands me a suit.

It has long sleeves with a turtleneck top, a slight gap across my stomach where I can put some holsters, which he also passes me as well as some thigh ones, it's grey and black, the same material as Nats suit. I thank him before quickly changing into it and attaching my weapons like everyone else.

We all head up to the roof and get in one of the jets, non of us said a word to each other. Sam was up now and also changed and in the jet with the rest of us. I quickly redid my hair into a neater ponytail as the jet picked up and flew off to our destination.