THE GHOST OF MY PAST(GP)

Prologue

No matter how prepared I was for the talk, I dreaded the question yet to come.

Do you want to keep the baby? Jisoo asked, her eyes fixed on my pregnancy record book in her hand. Scrappy handwriting in blue ink read Jennie kim stared back at her.

I glanced down at my belly that was hidden under my maroon hoodie. Last week, I didnt know there was a bun snuggling inside my womb, depending on me for life. Once the doctor confirmed I was twelve weeks pregnant this morning, my world had turned upside down. My head had been scampering inside a massive maze, not knowing where to go.

I dont know, I said, almost whispering.

There were so many things I wanted to do in life. I loved to challenge myself, I was always intrigued to try stuff most people wouldnt, and I was open to exploring morally grey areas because I hated to limit myself. My bucket list ideas about what to do before I died got longer every time, but having a baby was never one of them.

Its not too late if you want to abort it. Jisoos voice faltered. I mean, it was conceived in one drunken night and you dont know who the father is. Plus, youd been drinking until last week when you suspected you were pregnant. She put back my book on her computer desk, careful not to drop it as if it was the baby itself. Im no expert, but carrying a baby in your final year in uni is hard, especially when the father isnt in the picture. Those are valid reasons, right?

I pursed my lips, considering my best friends advice while trying to see all possibilities. Maybe I can go back to that frat house and ask around? Maybe I can find that motherfucker.

Jisoo raised her eyebrows. Ask around how? Something like hey, do you guys know the guy I fucked three months back in one of your parties? She scoffed. Get real, Jen. Do you even remember what she looked like? Her hair color? Her name?

No, not really. I sighed before throwing myself backward onto Jisoos bed. I do remember her eyes, though. Its green, emerald green. And she has quite dark hair.

Dark as in black or dark brown?

Im not sure. The room was too dark to notice those trivial things.

Any recollection of her name? Nickname maybe?

I knitted my eyebrows, trying to remember anything useful from that night. Nothing came up and I shook my head.

Whose name did you scream when you had an orgasm then? Dont tell me you moaned Kais name.

I shot my friend with a glare that could freeze a dragons throat. Can we not discuss my orgasm now? A more important matter needs to be addressed. Urgently.

Jisoo put her hands in the air. Sorry. I was just curious. How could you not remember anything about the guy you banged all night?

I was drunk, okay? It was the night Kai broke up with me. I was so lost and in need of cock, I said, wincing inwardly after listening to my own answer.

You got one alright, and youve got the bonus, too. There. Jisoo pointed at my belly.

I groaned as I put both my hands over my face. I swear we used fucking condoms that night. That rubbish.

Jen, are you sure its not Kais?

Im sure as hell. We hadnt had sex for weeks when we broke up. If it was his, I wouldve been four months preggo.

Jisoo nodded but the frown didnt leave her face. Seriously though, even if you found her, what were you going to say to her?

That we are pregnant? Maybe we can figure out what to do together? Granted, I sounded like the dumbest person alive. Or maybe I could blame it on my pregnancy brain.

We? There is no we. You two arent a couple. And what makes you thinks he remembers you? Jisoos question earned a defeated shrug from me. If she remembers you and what happened that night, she will easily say abort it. If he doesnt recognize you, she will think youre a mad girl who is desperately in need of a random guy to father her child.

I let out a moan. I hated it when Jisoo was right.

The scene of the wild night flashed in my head. I was pissed and disappointed with Kai because he chose to break up with me instead of working on our problems. I begged him to give me a chance to explain, but his mind was set. The next thing I knew, I agreed with my classmate,Jackson, to crash at a frat party on another campus in town. I needed to forget my shitty night.

Never go to a frat party and drink your ass off after a messy breakup. I wished Id listened to this piece of advice, but I didnt. As the night wore on, I danced my pain away and chugged down any alcohol within reach. Surprisingly, I didnt puke from too much drinking, but I got horny. Very horny. The universe was on my side when I bumped into a hot dark-haired guy with a pair of mesmerizing green eyes. Just what I needed, she was in the same mental stage: tipsy and eager to fuck.

One thing led to another and before I knew it, we ended up in one of the empty bedrooms, playing hide the sausage. It was bliss. Despite how much I still wanted Kai back, the sex helped me numb the stinging pain from the fresh breakup. Until I woke up the next morning, naked, with a painful hangover. I panicked once I noticed a stranger beside me, sleeping and also unclothed.

The next thing I did was get dressed and run.

I groaned again from the memory before rolling myself to the side, burying my face in jisoos fluffy throw pillow. What am I going to do?

I would think terminating the pregnancy is a wise choice right now.

I dont know, Chu. I saw it on the ultrasound monitor this morning. It already looked like a real baby! I said, my throat tightening from the mental image. I cant kill it, or that image will keep burning into my head for the rest of my life.

So, you want to keep it.

Jisoo concluded for me, but I couldnt confirm it either. Instead, a few faces popped up in my head, and I whimpered. My parents will kill me.

Jisoo, a person who was often on the rational side, stared at me with sympathy, almost pitying me. The look my best friend gave me every time I screwed up, and I hated it. Because I always screwed up. I didnt need a reminder from anyone else that my life was a mess. A gigantic ball of mess.

If you want to keep it, you need to figure out how to break the news to them sooner or later. The sooner the better.

I know. I heaved a sigh. They will be livid for sure. Itll prove them right that Im still the impulsive girl who never learns and has no reservations for her future.

Jisoo got up from her chair and plopped down on her bed. She ran her fingers through my brown lock that partly covered my face, brushing it backward gently. You might be a little bit impulsive but what I see from you is a brave, open-minded, and non-judgmental person. And you give a fucking damn about your future. Dont let their words get in your head.

I squeezed jisoos hand on my hair and smiled. You always know how to make me feel better.

And you know that whatever decision you make, I will support you. If you want to terminate it, I will be there during the whole process. If you want to keep it, Ill help however I can until the delivery time.

Thinking about the labor was enough to make my stomach twist. My vision of life ended where my water broke. I couldnt see anything beyond that because it was too terrifying. Once realizing that the due date was in six months, I shivered. How will I raise the baby?

jisoo frowned. Huh? Do you want to raise the baby yourself? I thought–

I would give it away? I finished Jisoos line as a faint jab hit my chest.

Jisoo nodded. I thought you wanted to keep it because you just didnt have the heart to kill it, she said, knitting her eyebrows. You dont want it in the first place, right? I mean, after the baby is born, you can make another family happy with their new little bundle, and you can move on with your life.

Ignoring the growing unsettled feeling in me, I admitted that jisoo had her point. My life might be put on pause at this very moment, but I could move on after making sure the baby was in good hands. Because I deserved a future too, hopefully with Kai back in the picture.

I forced a smile. I guess I can do that..