THE GHOST OF MY PAST(GP)

Chapter Eighteen

Ella stares at me, a mix of curiosity and resentment flashing in her green eyes, then mumbles, Okay. She puts the blue marker lid back on and neatly places it on the coffee table.

I wait until she snuggles comfortably next to me. Can I ask again why you hate Kim Jongin? I ask in a careful tone.

You know why. Its because he left you and that is mean, she answers in a hardened tone. Shes been giving me the same answer every time I ask this, but deep down, I know she resents the father figure for being absent in her life.

Umm. Well, I pause, clearing my throat before continuing, adult people have arguments. Sometimes, they cant find a common ground and decide to take separate ways, so that they dont have to keep fighting and be sad all the time.

But he left when you still loved him, Mama.

I wince inwardly. When Ella asked this question for the first time, I still held a tiny chunk of hope that Kai would come back to find me, just as Taylor Dayne said in her song, Love Will Lead You Back. But after five years, I started to accept that the song wasnt written for me.

Yeah, but that was not the only reason he left. When Ella looks up at me with a confused look, I add, I also made a mistake that pushed him away.

What mistake?

I bite my lower lip, thinking about what kind of answer I will give her. What mistake exactly? Was sleeping with someone else after getting ditched by my boyfriend a mistake? Was the decision to carry on with the pregnancy a mistake?

Well, to me, it wasnt a mistake. But he saw it differently back then. I click my tongue as an idea flashes in my mind. Something like when we do the dishwashing together. I dont have problems with throwing everything into the dishwasher not in proper order, but it always bugs you. Imagine if I never listened to you or let you rearrange them, what would you do?

Ella purses her lips and shrugs. Then I dont want to help anymore, and just go see my cartoon.

Exactly. You would leave because you couldnt stand the way I did the dishwashing.

Ella frowns, looking deep into her thoughts. But I dont go and leave the house and never come back, I just go to see my cartoon.

Well, its just a small example, but what Kim Jongin and I had was more than just dishwashing problems, sweetie. It was uh...adult stuff that gave lots of headaches and sadness.

Still, if he loved you, he wouldnt leave. Just as you said all the time, no matter how naughty I am, you will never leave me because you love me.

Ella probably right about Kai shouldnt have left me if he loved me, but the comparison shes making isnt apple to apple. What I have for her is nothing like what Kai had for me for sure.

First of all, when a boy and a girl fall in love, they can fall out of love and then they break up. But mothers love doesnt work that way. I smile at her before giving her a peck on the forehead. Mama will never fall out of love with you. Ever.

Kais lips curl into a smile as her eyes twinkle. Okay.

Second of all, I say as I take a deep breath, I have a confession to make.

My daughters head snaps. What did you do? Were you being naughty? she asks, repeating the same line I gave her every time she said she had a confession to make.

Yes. Very naughty. I sigh and close my eyes, feeling the heaviness in my chest come up to the surface. I...lied to you...about who your father is. When I open my eyes, the smile on Kais face falters and confusion takes over. For a second, I get cold feet. Maybe I should do this next time, but a small voice in my head reminds me that I need to do it now or never. Kim Jongin is not your father.