Are You Sure? (Marina)

Twenty-Four.

A/N: This is a dark chapter. Trigger warning about drug use and withdrawal. This was also as short as I could get it.. oops.
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Carina

A number of regrets lived in my body and for a number of reasons. The biggest one being that I had not only been lying to Maya, but also to myself. I had a problem and convincing myself otherwise had turned me into a liar, and as Maya had thrown in my face, a bad one. Second regret was that in my dramatic display, I threw away my last bottle and my last refill. All I had left were the two I took as I left- ran from Maya's apartment with.

The night was cold and the rain- it always rained in Seattle, but it was pouring, much to my dismay. It almost seemed ironic, like I was in a movie where I drove through rain with tears rolling down my face. Except it wasn't like in the movies because it was incredibly hard to drive.

The part of my brain that was rational was no where to be found. The one thing on my mind was- Maya hates you, leave now. That's what I did. I fled and didn't stop until I got to Andrea's apartment since it was closer than mine. Except I never made it up to his apartment because the pill I took on my way out, fully kicked in and I melted into my seat, wasting away into the nothingness.

To the everyday person, it wouldn't have mattered if there were no more, but I was not one. It had been 2 days since my last dose and everything hurt, I ached. I had quit too abruptly for my body to process and now I'm wandering around the hospital frustrated, zero patience, and a pain that started in my leg but quickly spread to every limb of my body.

To top it off my heart was up in the wind, not knowing where I stood with Maya. It would be of no surprise to me if she never wanted to see me again. The disappointment I witnessed in her eyes ate me alive- I had killed every expectation she had of me.

How I was on my feet was beyond me. I wasn't eating, I wasn't sleeping, my body felt destroyed. Not sure what was hurting more, the lack of drugs in my system or the lack of Maya in my life.

The reality was, there was no one to blame but myself. I'd pushed Maya, too far too fast. In Andrea's words, the way I love or how invested I became could start to be almost smothering. Now I had to face the consequences of falling in love with someone who probably could never love me back after everything that happened.

That night was one of the lowest my life, it would be another night I would never forget. The parts I was conscious for anyway.

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The hospital cafeteria was noisy and it aggravated the persistent headache that wouldn't go away. The lunch in front of me - not really much because it was just espresso and crackers - was all my stomach would have without making me nauseous.

I sat alone because my mood was far from inviting, even my residents were avoiding me. Especially after last night when I screamed at a nurse to not answer my phone during a exploratory laparotomy because Maya kept calling.

Once she told me who was calling I became annoyed. Immediately knowing exactly why she was calling. Not my proudest moment and I did plan to send her flowers when I found the face to apologize.

I listened to the voicemails in the scrub room after, only to feel angrier.

-So suddenly I'm too busy to talk? Maybe space is what's best.-

-What've yur done to me? I can't stop thinking of yur- I'm- Wha kindof doctor won't answer the phone, wha if I was a patient in labor!?-

-Carinaaa please answer... I'm sorry- there I said it! I'm sorry and I miss yur- erythang... I'm wearin the shirt ya left here. You should come take it off- Vic, no- wait! wait!- I just wanna talk —