Are You Sure? (Marina)

Forty-Three.

⚠️TW: References to Drug Use/Withdrawal.
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Maya

Relationships never prospered from ultimatums and placing conditions on each other. Especially in the relationship I had built with Carina, in a relationship where I've learned to love someone unconditionally and have felt what it was like to be loved the same. Yet now I stood here in a ice cold shower staring into the gaunt face of the love of my life, staring at nothing that resembled her.

Nothing. Her cheeks were so hollow, there were no longer dimples. A bruise on her face that made my shoulder look like a joke. The beautiful brown of her eyes practically gone from how out of it she was. Everything only indicating that all she'd been living off was probably pills and whatever she was washing them down with.

She had yet to answer and I couldn't read her, she looked back to the sink and fear flooded my mind and body. Fear she would choose the drugs, fear that I'd lose her again. Hesitation should have been my first guess. She pressed her lips into a thin line and I could feel myself losing her more. "Think of everything you've built. Your career, your life— Carina you can't throw it all away."

Her eyes didn't return to mine, instead they watered and she bit her lip as it trembled. The pain on her face evident and one I recognized. "Tell me what hurts. What hurts so much you want the clouds?"

For the first time she looked at me and I saw a glimmer of the woman I loved, she was confused by my statement but I didn't want to dive into that right now. She pushed against my hands to let me know she wanted me to let her go. I stepped back and turned off the water. "Everything."

"Okay. Let's get you warm and then we can reevaluate okay?" She was wearing the clothes I'd seen her leave in a week ago and that in itself was not like Carina. Not if she could help it. She nodded and I moved my hands to her shirt and started undoing the buttons. She stopped my hands. "What?"

"I don't- I don't want you to see me." I looked at her confused, "I need space." Rejection.

"Okay, I'll be right outside the door if you need me." I stepped out of the shower, and teared off my wet clothes to leave in the restroom after cleaning off the sink of remnants. I closed the door behind me and heard the water turn back on. I put my hand on the door and took a moment to try to understand what happened in the last week. In a matter of days we went from being happy, tickling each other in bed before work to me standing outside of the restroom door wondering what she was doing on the other side.

Carina hadn't answered my calls and wouldn't text me more than a couple of times a day to tell me she was fine or that she was taking care of her brother. When I stormed the hospital Amelia told me she had also AWOL on her meetings and their conversations. Miranda said she had asked for time off. I would've guessed a million things before believing she had relapsed like Amelia suggested. Until she asked for space two days later, only after I threatened to show up at her brother's apartment. I'd rather believe that she had left me than now be faced with this reality where she had relapsed and was avoiding me so I wouldn't find out.

After 30 minutes passed I hadn't heard any movement. The water making the same noise. "Rina." There was no answer. "Rina, just make noise if you're okay." Again no answer. I turned the knob and slowly moved in to see the steam filling the bathroom. She was on the floor of the shower slumped over in her underwear, her knees brought up to her chest. I grabbed her towel and walked over to turn off the water.

Her eyes were closed and skin red from the hot water, it didn't seem to bother her. I exhaled as I wrapped her in the towel and lifted her out of the shower. Somehow her being asleep allowed me to change and dress her in my sweats and her favorite hoodie. My hoodie.