Are You Sure? (Marina)

Thirty-Five.

Maya

Carina was visibly shaky and not herself, her body cold and rigid as I watched her change. Even when I first held her, I'd never felt her body so cold. Normally she was my personal heating pad but last night she was anything but.

My apartment was quiet when I walked in after my run, opting for a quick one so as to not leave Carina alone for too long. When I walked into my room and saw she was no longer on her side of the bed but on my side. My heart twisted in my body as I slid off my shoes and my jacket to go shower. I make my shower brief.

Now dressed to get back into bed with Carina, I tiptoe over to kneel down and look at her. The way her hair splayed over my pillow was like she was posing. With her arms on either side of her head and her face pushed into the pillow with a small pout that I always loved to run my finger across. Slowly standing, I leaned over and she turned her head enough for me to find her lips and kiss her softly. "Hi, my love."

"Ciao." She said rubbing out her eyes and turning on her back, I couldn't take my eyes off of her. Yet something about her not using a term on endearment made me uneasy. "No Captain?"

"You're my captain when you have to leave to do your job and be safe, my bambina when you come back to me, I don't know where you are right now." She said in a low voice before yawning again and moving over for me to retake my spot on the bed. The sentence was telling that we may not be as good as she made me believe yesterday morning.

The spot on the bed was still warm as she lifted the covers for me and immediately moved into the crook of my neck. Her need to be near me seemed to be stronger than whatever was going on between us. "Do you have work?" I asked, putting a kiss on her forehead.

"On call, so I don't have to go in until 7." Her voice hummed against my neck and I pulled her tighter to my body, somehow she was as close as possible but still felt so far. Is this how she felt because of me, fuck Maya- you are a real jerk.

"How was work?" I asked her, needing to get to the bottom of why she came home so shaken last night. I traced the outline of her shoulder nervously to brace myself for the shit I was about to get but knew it was well-deserved.

"Shitty. I didn't mean to show up like that last night. That's why I just came to the room." Her hand laid over my stomach and skimmed over, almost tickling me beneath the tank top I had thrown on. So it was something that happened at work... not about the bar?

"What happened?" She immediately became rigid again so I just held onto her tighter.

"I was having a bad day. Then uh- I had a panic attack at the end of my shift." She braced herself in my arms and I tried to remain calm in the face of hearing her words. She must have been triggered by something.

I stared at the ceiling, to not let her see the worry on my face as she tried to talk, "Alarm?" I said in one breath to keep from showing her I was worried for her, for her ever present fears.

"No. Maya, please don't freak out."

"I'm not. I'm good. Talk." Carina took a deep breath and placed a kiss just under my jaw before she lifted to look over at me. Her hand moved down the side of my face and settled over my chest.

"Do you remember the night you got drunk and called me?- Left me like a thousand voicemails.." she played with the edge of my tank top and I nodded at her, keeping my eyes on her bowed head. "There was- hmmm my emotions were all over the place after I stopped using... and a nurse kept asking me if I wanted to answer and then around the 5th call... I was so annoyed I snapped." She clenched her eyes.

I don't even know what Carina would sound like screaming at someone, "Snapped?"

"I yelled at her to stop asking me and do her job of handing me the instruments." Her face contorted, uncomfortable with herself.