Are You Sure? (Marina)

Twenty-Nine.

Maya

Torture. It had been 3 weeks of torture. Carina and I had been on opposite schedules since we got back together and coordinating our visits was hard. We were limited to work visits which involved a lot of talking, kissing and heavy petting. I missed the days I'd get home and call her up just to spend the night even if she would need to leave for work. Though since we talked I noticed she was working extra shifts and longer ones at that, making it especially hard. Either she was trying to stay busy or babies were coming in record breaking numbers. It only made me more appreciative of the moments I did get with her.

I felt stupid for ever thinking I could be without her. Finding myself feeling jealous of her sober buddies because they seemed to see her more than I did, and I loved that she was working at her sobriety but I missed her. All day, everyday because I loved her- that was still taking time for me to be okay with- not only that I loved her but she had somehow found a way to love me. In a way it was good Carina had emphasized that we wouldn't be having sex left and right because we needed to get to know each other more outside of our physical connection. Not that it was a problem but Carina also said she didn't want to get lost in me to steer the cravings and switch one dependency for another. I as her supportive and understanding girlfriend, agreed, but it involved a lot of cold showers and 'Maya time' as Carina deemed it.

She had just reached 30 days which I was so proud of her for but it seemed she wasn't so thrilled, I know it had been hard for her to adjust but wished she wasn't so hard on herself about it. It was a slow process and she seemed to be a very impatient person when it came to recovery, which I knew from how she was after the fire.

However, there were consequences to being so supportive, I found that I had a significant amount of pent up energy and no way to release it. I was at the station rolling hoses just because I needed to get some energy out. Even though our fight seems a lifetime ago from how well we have been doing, I still thought about how much it hurt her, and I never wanted to do that again. Patience was something I also had to work on because my anger was so quick to trigger. Lane lived in my head- his coaching and genes ran through me. I was his daughter and I was so much like him down to the eyes Carina liked so much but I found myself resenting.

Right on time, Andy came to pull me from my wavering thoughts, "Maya?"

"Here!" I yelled from behind the truck where I was rolling the hoses. I saw Andy come up next to me looking confused as to why I was doing this.

"What are you doing? Have Cutler or Miller do that." Andy sat on the back of the engine eating what I assumed was a ham sandwich. "It's fine, it's good for the arms." I took a break and removed my gloves to grab the water bottle I had placed on the side.

"Are you going to Robert's hearing?" She looked at her shoes and I was stunned. I thought he would have told her he didn't want me to be there.

The more I thought about it the more I realized he probably didn't know she was here asking, "He said he didn't want me there."

"I want you there. Maya, he's getting help he hasn't used in a while. He's going to meetings now and-"

Well I would hope he was clean, if he wanted to get off desk duty. "He's been clean since the sink hole?"

"What? No since before why?" Her face was surprised when I mentioned it. Crap.

I wasn't trying to burn him out to his wife, it wasn't my place. "Nevermind I don't know-"

"Spit it out Maya. Why would you say the sink hole so clearly?" She crossed her arms and I was at a loss.

I looked around trying to think of something that could explain his weird behavior that day. Nothing. "I saw him coming out of the PRT the day I was on admin because of my concussion. I had thought it was odd then but now knowing what I know, it's been swimming in my head."