Still Learning [C.L]

Confrontation

"Jen?"

My eyes darted from looking at the floor to view the person standing in front of me

"Arthur" I smiled up at him
"Jen, we've been so worried about you" he held my arms, helping steady me after our collision
"Yeah sorry about that, I just needed to get away from it all for a bit to gather my thoughts" I shuffled in the spot I was standing in
"Well I'm glad to see you back" he immediately pulled me in for a tight hug

Over the last 10 days I must've been giving off very much 'I'm desperately sad, please give me a hug' vibes because that's all that seemed to be occurring lately. I did accept Arthur's hug, wrapping my arms round his waist and resting my head on his chest.

"I'm so relieved it was you I bumped into, I had such an awful feeling that you were going to be-"
"Arthur allons-y"

My grip tightened on Arthur as I heard his voice. I felt my heart drop and I was certain we all could have heard it shatter in the silence that filled the corridor. I buried my head into Arthur's chest, hoping that if I made myself as small as possible, Charles wouldn't see me

"Jen?" He spoke into the silence like his brother had a few moments earlier

Mission failed. Shit shit shit. Arthur released me from the hug and I focused on the laces of my converse and the tiled floor. Shame filled me and I couldn't bear to meet Charles' intense gaze that I could feel burning into me. The same feeling built up inside me that had plagued me earlier at the breakfast table and panic set in.

"Sorry, excuse me" I rushed back in to the toilet and emptied my stomach into the toilet bowl
"Fuck" I groaned to myself running my hand through my disheveled hair before there was a knock on the cubicle door "Ehh occupied" I called out
"It's Em" I opened the door and returned to my place hunched over the toilet "I just saw Charles and Arthur leave, are you okay?"
"I can't even look at him without my body failing me" I held my face in my hands "I thought the past week was helping me but I've just been delaying what has to happen. And in doing so I've made things a thousand times worse. I'm so stupid"

I flushed the toilet and followed Emma back to the sinks to wash my hands and rinse my mouth out again. Em handed me over some tissues and I wiped the water from my face, eying my reflection in the mirror, pushing my hair out of my face and wiping the mascara that had run under my eyes.

It was time to stop running away and confront my troubles head on.

Jen
Are you free this afternoon?

Charles
I'll be out of my meeting at 12

Jen
Okay, I'll meet you at the track at 12

I collected my belongings from Emma and returned to the room to find Pierre sat on the bed, scrolling on his phone, a frown forming on his face when he took in my appearance.

"Is everything okay?" He asked, looking me up and down, concerned
"I sort of ran into Arthur and Charles at breakfast" I smiled sheepishly
"What happened?"
"We didn't get much of a chance to talk before I had to throw up" I picked at the skin around my nails again "but I'm meeting with him at 12 today at the track, are you able to come?"
"Shit Jen, I've got media interviews starting at 12. I can take you to the track and if you need me at all I'm just a phone call away" he sounded concerned
"Nah it's fine, it's cool, I'll manage it myself" I smiled

Things were not fine or cool but I would have to manage myself. After half an hour of me pacing the room trying to plan my interaction with Charles out sentence by sentence, Pierre decided we should leave for the track. Luckily due to it only being Wednesday there weren't many fans waiting at the entrance hoping to catch a glimpse of their favourite drivers so I just kept my head down and sunglasses on as we passed by.

We parted ways in the paddock and I still had 10 minutes to spare before I was due to meet Charles so I wandered around in between the motorhomes, trying to waste time and calm my nerves before taking a seat on the steps of the Ferrari motorhome. After a couple minutes of waiting I felt my phone buzz in my pocket

Charles
Come inside, you look weird just sitting there

I turned around to see him standing on the other side of the glass door, a half smirk on his face. I made my way into the motorhome, unsure on how to greet Charles currently, settling for an awkward wave before he led us to a table, gesturing for me to sit down.

"Can I get you anything to drink?" He asked quietly
"Could I have a peppermint tea please? Still not feeling great after earlier"

He returned soon after with a mug and a bottle of water. I thanked him before we returned to silence, dunking my teabag in the hot water a few times until it was a good colour and taking a sip to calm the churning in my stomach. My eyes remained glued on the mug of tea as my chest tightened the longer we sat in silence.

"Are you feeling okay?" Charles asked "You rushed away earlier" he picked at the corner of the label on his water bottle, neither of us attempting to make eye contact
"Yeah I think it's nerves, my stomach doesn't handle pressure that well" I lightly laughed
"Nervous about me?" He asked, his voice sounding broken, and I nodded "why?" He whispered, upset

It was now or never, do I be a bitch or fold immediately and take him back. The angel and devil on my shoulders creating an internal conflict of how to react and I had to shake them off and think rationally.

I thought back about how I had been masking my miserable mood the past week, I think Pierre thought I was feeling better by the end however I was just getting better at hiding it. His quote from the last day had become lodged in my brain, unable to think of anything else.

'You hate the idea of falling'

He was right. After everything that had occurred with Adam I found myself putting up walls around my heart, untrusting of anyone that attempted to get close. And then Charles came along. One short interaction with him caused those walls to begin to crumble, faster than I could build them back up again and I fell in love.

I was scared of being in love with Charles. I was scared of being hurt again.

'You need to be selfish'

Yes. I did need to be selfish, I needed to do what was best for me. I needed to do what would get me back to my truest self. I needed to make me happy.

I took a deep breath, preparing myself for my decision.

"Charles, I..."

~ Author's note ~

😅😅
Will we stay or will we leave??

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