Christmas Gone Wrong (VegasPete) - Completed

Goodbye

9th December 2022

Dear Snowflake,

I know you did not expect this letter to arrive. I wouldn't have expected either. But please do read.

I did some thinking...actually a lot of thinking (which I clearly needed to) in the last three days and came to understand a few things.

Most important of all: yes, you were right. At least about most things. I didn't make the best first impression—or second or even third, I'm aware.

The truth is, when I wrote that letter, I didn't think a bit about the person receiving it. I made it about me. What I felt, what I thought, what I wanted to vent and went about it in the most wrong possible way.

I didn't think that there was another person on the receiving side and that it could be anybody with any kind of history. I was inconsiderate and self-centred, and that is almost...pathetic. I usually don't have any expectations of myself but I also didn't expect myself to fall so low in life that I'd have to see myself like this.

In my head, sometimes a voice tells me to stop. Like it knows that what I'm doing is wrong, is shitty. Like a warning. Trust me, I try to stop. But most times...I just don't know how.

Even when I wrote those letters, the voice floated above my head enough times but I couldn't stop myself from writing any of them. It's like I didn't know what else to write, if not that. I know this is not an excuse. I am not trying to make one either. I'm just trying to be as truthful as possible.

I should've been ashamed to even write back after your response but I feel like you deserve an apology. You probably signed up for this thing thinking you'd make a friend or maybe it will give you a new fun experience. Clearly, none of those things happened. I'm sorry for ruining it. I mean it. I'm sorry, Snowflake.

In the past three days, It feels like I went through five stages of grief in a fast-forward manner.

My mom goes out to send this letter because right now, I'm kinda...incapacitated. She asked me yesterday why I didn't write back a reply. She didn't read your letter. I couldn't tell her what I had written in mine. She'd be so disappointed if she read any of the letters I sent out.

She is the one who got me signed up for this since I've been stuck in my room for quite some time and she didn't want me to feel alone. I should've been a better son and a better pen pal.

After she's sent this letter, I'll let her know that it was the last one. I'd let her know that I've let her down again and hurt a stranger in the process, and I'll apologise to her and promise to be a better person.

Maybe next year I'll try this again. I'd be better then. At least, so I hope. I've started looking for a therapist. As you said, I've decided to take all the help I can get. I want to stop being a burden to my mother. She deserves that much at the very least.

Your letter was sort of an eye opener for me. So, I'll thank you for that. I needed to hear that I am the problem. I kept on blaming others because they seemed to have it better than me. Self-realisation is a funny thing. It makes me feel so stupid thinking about my past actions. And even then, I cannot guarantee that it won't happen again because I probably have been doing this—hurting others—for so long and I still don't know how to make it stop. Not yet.

Now I wonder if that's why my friends stopped visiting me and stick to texting—because I make everything so hard and bitter. That'd make sense though.

Anyway...

I know that I wrote a lot here. The longest ever letter. I don't even know how that happened but the words kept on flowing. Maybe it's because it's the last letter I am writing to you so I wanted to make sure I don't miss out on anything. Like when we're told we are left with only some time and then suddenly we want to touch every milestone with the speed of light. You know? Bad analogy maybe but I hope it makes sense?

Not stretching this any further, I think it's time to close this letter now.

Good luck with your future.

Goodbye.

Signing off with an apology,

Chainsaw