Christmas Gone Wrong (VegasPete) - Completed

Joke

[Journal Entry]

28th December 2022

Diary,

Curiosity killed the cat. That's fucking right.

I'm feeling so fucking hollow. I feel like a fucking fool, and it feels so ridiculous that I keep chuckling. That's right. This is funny to me. What am I, if not, a pathetic–walking–joke?

And what's even funny? I don't know who to turn to. I don't have a goddamn clue! This whole situation is so fucking absurd. Who can I trust anymore? Who'd look at me and not see a pile of flesh worth laughing at?

If anything, I am still hoping that night was a joke. I haven't left the room in the last two nights, and I don't think I want to. Do I really want to step out into that world? The world that is so full of fucking liars. Do I want to see their sorry faces? If I can't trust my own family, then really, what's even the point of having one?

Mom has always been like this. Always thinks that her child needs her help all the time and would be a lost mess if she didn't. No matter how many times I tried to prove to her that I am a goddamn adult and fully capable of making decisions for myself and that, if I end up pathetic then that's on me, she doesn't seem to believe me. Well, clearly. Or else she wouldn't have pulled this shit on me. Because at the end of the day I'm pathetic either way. Whether I accept it or not. Whether she helps me or not.

Right? Damn right.

One real thing that I felt in months—something that truly made me happy— guess what? That was just a planned out stupid thing to make me look even more pathetic than I am.

It turned out Snowflake...even thinking of this word makes me want to rip the page apart.

There would not have been a Snowflake had it not been for my dearest mother asking one of her dearest students to do this pen pal thing like I am a fucking charity case.

So, to put a few things straight before I completely blow off. Again. There is no Christmas Pen Pal program. There is no Meet on New Year's Eve Ball at City Square. I mean, there could be, but that's not what I signed up for. I didn't sign up for anything at all. Does this sound funny yet? Wait, it gets better.

It was all a carefully planned manipulation stunt done by dearest mother. Why? Because she was too afraid to lose her son. She was scared of how I was isolating me. Her words, not mine. Or should I call it excuses that I could care less about?

There is a Snowflake, though. He does go by the name Pete. He is or was—honestly, I could care less about it—a student of my dearest mother. And that dearest mother did end up treating me like I'm a project she needed to succeed. Does she have any idea how dumb I'm feeling right now? Like a stupid fucking kid.

I hate myself and I hate this fucking goddamn world.

Dad knew everything all along, and yet he barely spoke a word. Did he even try to talk mom out of it? Am I a source of entertainment to them? Something they can talk and laugh about before going to bed?

If I hadn't eavesdropped outside their room right after I gave the letter to mom to post it to Pete that night, would I have ever known? Will they even bother telling me? Would they tell me that Pete had decided to stop sending letters? Would they let me know after I fucking go haywire thinking about what might have happened to Pete after I didn't get his letters?

If I didn't figure things out myself, what were the chances of them continuing to fool me?

I was angry. I shouted. I never shouted at her before. I said things I hadn't before and the worst part is that I still don't know if I meant those words. I saw her as the tears fall out of her eyes with explanations and apologies, and then I fell silent.

I locked myself in the room, laid down on my bed, and hours went by staring at the ceiling. The pile of paper that I thought I'd arrange is still a mess in the corner. It's like time froze inside this room, and I'm still stuck on the 26th. It's all hazed and blank inside my head. I felt so much anger, but now I'm just...sad. I feel pathetic. Cheated. Betrayed. Unloved. And afraid. I'm afraid because I didn't realise how much this little pen pal thing mattered to me until it was snatched away like this. Until it turned into a lifetime comedy. Now I'm wondering if Pete ever meant what he said.

Is he, too, like the rest of the world, laughing at my foolish self? I wouldn't blame him.

2022, after all, did turn out to be the shittest year of all.

I hope they got a good laugh at least.

Vegas