It's Mutual

Chapter 26 - boyfriend

Harry's POV
     I'm a little shit.

Louis would hate me for saying stuff like that but it's true. Besides, Louis should already hate me by now.

6 missed calls from Boobear💙
28 unread messages from Boobear💙

I've chosen avoidance. A defense mechanism for when I'm in too deep. A stupid, STUPID, defense mechanism, but one I've developed over the past years when it comes to relationships.

I want to talk and explain myself to Louis but I have to explain it to myself first.

Yesterday, Louis came over to my house just like I asked him to. Just like I wanted him to. We were sat cuddled on the sofa with Louis' arms wrapped around me like I was his entire world. I was sort of sitting in his lap when I had turned to look at him because I couldn't believe how lucky I was. He stared at me with a faint smile, his eyes darting to my lips. I bit back a smile of my own and reached up to brush the hair out of his face. He let out a shaky breath which could have been the literal death of me. We both leaned in at that moment and that's when everything went to shit.

My mum and sister, Gemma, came barging in shouting that they were home. I startled back and scrambled off of Louis just hoping they hadn't seen anything.

Gemma seemed oblivious to it all but my mum gave me a curious look. One that appeared to be of encouragement, but I'm too self-conscious about my sexuality to think it was supportive.

I told Louis how I felt and I thought that would be enough. I didn't think about actually coming out and saying "hey I'm in love with Louis and he's in love with me." I didn't think about how people would react to that and I know I shouldn't care, but I do. Everyone cares to some degree, even if they say they don't.

Louis cares for example. He just chooses to care about the important people. He cares about his loved ones' thoughts and opinions, no one else's.

That's not me though. I wish it was, but it's not.

I could learn a thing or two from Louis, but instead I'm locked up in my room pretending to be sick so I don't have to see the blue eyed boy at school. I'm a fucking coward.

Louis' brave. I'm not. Another thing I could learn from him.

After my mum and sister came home I full on panicked and kicked Louis out essentially. He didn't seem to mind but he was definitely a bit confused. I told him it was late and all and he agreed and tried to kiss me good night out of sight from my family. I rejected it and closed the door. I haven't talked to him since.

I've been thinking, a little too much for my own good, but still. I've been thinking about us, me and Louis. About how I can't be what he deserves.

He deserves someone who is as open as him and someone who is willing to be with him no matter what others think. He deserves to be shown love in any circumstance, not just in a lousy, empty classroom whenever it's easiest. He deserves to have his hand held, his body touched, and his lips kissed.

But I don't give him that. I'm too worried about my image and the opinions of random people to do that for him.

I glance around every second I get just to check that no one sees us kiss or touch. Even when I'm dying to be with him, I hold myself back.

It has to take a toll on him too. He must notice how I keep my distance in public or how I never kiss him unless we're in a very secluded area. It would be obvious to anyone and yet he doesn't seem to care.

He loves me and if being with me means it's only in secret, he's willing to do that for me.

And what am I willing to do?