A dive bar and a dreamer

Saving me from myself

TRIGGER WARNING  abortion, mental health, isolation . 

I don't know how long I have sat here. Finally looking up at my surroundings, I notice I'm in front of a gas station. Customers coming in and out are looking at me very strangely. I don't care, I don't care about anything right now. I do notice a Payphone, and as I'm standing up to go call Robin, a van pulls up beside me. I freeze in my tracks. I know that van, and I knew that he would come to find me eventually. Probably just to get answers. So he can know for sure that leaving me is the best decision. He'll want all the facts before he goes through with his decision I'm sure. That's the proper thing to do , give me a chance to explain myself, but really Ray had said it all. Though it was a very concise way to put it. He wasn't wrong , I had killed our baby, a choice I wrestled with to this day.

We stand in silence as Eddie gets out and sprints over to me. He doesn't look mad or roughed up to bad. All I can see in his face is concern and confusion. He goes to reach out to me but stops once he gets a good look at my face from the headlights shining on me as a car passes. I know without even seeing a reflection that my face is showing every broken piece of my soul. The guilt and anger I hold towards myself , the heartbrokenness and mourning for not only my child but for the girl I was in the lifetime before. The hatred at Ray for his involvement in the decision I made , along with him ruining the chances of whatever had sparked between Eddie and I tonight. The hurt of knowing I was going to lose him before he was ever mine and the shame I feel with his gaze upon my tear streaked face is too much. I feel myself splintering from the inside out and before I know what is happening I hit my knees and let out bone rattling sobs. All the hesitation Eddie had is swept away in an instant and he closes the slight distance between us in a bound. He quickly puts an arm around my back and slides the other under my knees and scoops me up, at this point there is no point in being reserved and I turn my face into his chest and scream. I never thought I would do this in front of someone. Sure I have cried in front of the few who knew what had happened. I have even had several breakdowns into my pillow letting out shrill screams of pure emotional agony until my voice was gone, no one had ever seen me like this. At this point though, what did it matter? He couldn't leave me here with no way home, so of course he will drive me back home and be done. So who gives a shit if he sees my nervous breakdown, we'll never speak again after tonight anyway, plus I don't think I could stop it if I tried. Years of trauma and not receiving the help I needed to deal with it all has finally escaped, in a weird way it was exactly what I needed.

Eddie swiftly opens the passenger door with the hand under my knees, then helps me into the seat. I try buckling my seatbelt but my hands are shaking so bad it's futile. He watches me struggling for a brief moment then leans into me whispering

" Can I Y/N?" The sound of so much concern has me perplexed. Why would he be worried about me? I deserve this, every bit of pain is my own fault. Everyone has a cross to bear and this is mine. I just nod my head roughly and move my gaze out the windshield. I feel my body tremble at the feeling of our hands brushing as he gently takes the belt from my trembling hands. Once he has me buckled he shuts the door easily and jogs over to the driver's seat. Still keeping my eyes straight ahead I feel the car start and we're off. We ride in silence for what feels like hours before I decide to break the heavy quiet.

" What happened after I left?" I whisper so quietly it is almost inaudible.

" Well, the security guards came over and pulled me off of him. They asked what happened and I politely explained he was a drunk asshole that had been verbally assaulting my girl, to the point she took off alone into the city crying." Eddie sounds very calm but I can hear the anger steaming off the words. I get hung up on "my girl". I'm sure it's just something he said so the security would understand he was justified in what had happened , there is no way that's how he feels about me now, but I can't ignore the beat my heart skipped hearing those words come out of him. I want to hear it over and over again, but my happiness is fading knowing my time with him is limited. I open my mouth to thank him, but before I can he starts talking again.