A dive bar and a dreamer

Coffee and Confessions

                                         TRIGGER WARNING IN DEPTH TALK OF DV, ABORTION    

Also thanks again for anyone who has stuck around this long. I know it's not the best, I am still figuring out my writing style and things like that. So once again thank you, for allowing me to put out my first ever writing, it has been amazing! 

I wake up to the sound of thunder shaking the house. Shuffling around, I see my alarm clock ,9am. I fell asleep around 5am finally out of tears, puffy and swollen holding onto Eddie for dear life, as if when I let go he would disappear, just like every other good thing in my life. He never pressured me for answers, just sat holding me together with his warm embrace, rocking me like a teething child, stroking my hair and whispering reassurances. We had stayed like that all night until I passed out, only to be met with the same dream over and over again. I know he heard me screaming and crying throughout the night, on the rare occasion my parents were home when the nightmare hit, they would always come running, atleast at first, eventually they just let me scream it out.

I look over and see a makeshift pallet of throw blankets on the floor beside my bed. One larger one rolled up into a makeshift pillow. Jesus Christ I am the worst, I didn't even get him a pillow. The empty nest tells me he probably ran for the hills as soon as he woke up. I still don't blame him, but it hurts to know I have once again ruined something that could have been so wonderful. Even if we did make anything official ,I would have had to tell him eventually, so better to rip the band aid off now I guess. I can feel tears slipping out of my eyes, once again crying over what could have been. Living a life full of constant regret and what could have beens is so empty. You stop living at some point, and just go through the motions. You learn not to hope for anything or count on anyone, because you are always just left a shell , questioning how things could have been. A life full of even good times just waiting for the other shoe to fall. It's so lonely , stealing all of the joy you have, exhausting and just not a life worth living most days.

" Hey, can I come in? I made us some coffee, and cereal if you're hungry.'' he says quietly from the doorway. Funny how he can see me like I was last night and still think he needs to ask me for permission.

" Yea come on in, thanks! Coffee is just what I need right now" I yawn tiredly, the night still weighing on my mind and eyelids.

" I don't want you to tell me anything you're not comfortable with, but are you okay?" His eyes are so heavy with concern. I take a long swallow from my mug and contemplate my next move. I don't want to tell him obviously but, it seems like he wants to be there for me. I decide it's time to just use the band-aid method. What's the worst that can happen? I end up alone and miserable, full of regrets and wishful thinking? Little late for that at this point, so fuck it.

" So backstory to my relationship with the biggest dickbag on the planet, my parents are in the metal scene. Like pretty big time I suppose. My moms the hairdresser and makeup artist for a lot of bands when they tour, not so much the past few years because I needed a parent here to make sure I went to school, but she has done work for a lot of bands. She was actually at the show last night..." I risk a peek at Eddie over the rim of my mug as I take a quick sip. He looks absolutely dumb founded and perplexed. He raises his eyebrows and turns his head at me to continue.

" My dad is a journalist for Metal Edge , he does a lot of the tour photography for bands as well. In the more recent years he has done the up and coming article on new bands trying to make it onto the scene." I bite my lips and take a big breath in knowing that was the easiest part of this story to share. Eddie shifts his weight on the bed completely engrossed with every word. I expected some questions after revealing my parents' career , but none came.