Part Two: Not Like the Movies

202.

RAFAELA

Itinago ko ang phone sa itim kong shoulder bag bago ako huminga nang malalim habang nasa likod ng sasakyan ni Peyton. Nagpasundo ako sa kanila ni Maddie nang magpaalam ako kay Anthony na naiwan pa sa ospital.

He'll be staying over at his Ninong Ethan's house tonight to sleepover with his childhood friends. Ayaw niya pa nga no'ng una dahil magkasama kami sa unit niya pero sinabi ko na lang na magkikita kami ng mga kaibigan ko kahit walang plano para 'wag niya akong isipin.

I knew he needed this tonight. To be surrounded by the people who truly loves him—his real family, even though not related by blood.

"Saan tayo pupunta?" tanong ni Peyton habang nakatingin sa akin sa rearview mirror ng sasakyan niya.

"Kahit saan..." mahina kong sagot.

Alam kong kanina pa pabalik-balik ang mga tingin nila sa akin ni Maddie pero nanatili akong walang kibo at maikli lang ang naging sagot ko sa mga tanong nila. Sa totoo lang, gusto kong magsabi. Gusto kong maghanap ng mga salita para maipaliwanag ang nararamdaman ko sa nangyari. Pero wala akong mahanap, parang... walang sapat na salita para sa bigat.

"Dito muna tayo..." rinig kong sabi ni Maddie nang huminto kami. Inangat ko ang tingin ko at sumilip ako sa labas. Do'n ko nakita ang port ng Manila Bay sa tapat ng parking kaya bahagya akong natawa.

"Ba't dito?"

"Hindi ko alam kung saan pupunta," sagot ni Peyton bago inilabas ang laman ng brown paper bag na dala nila ni Maddie. Alak ang laman nito at isang shot glass. "Mukhang kailangan mo."

Hindi ako umimik, pero hindi na rin ako tumanggi. Pinanuod ko lang silang dalawa habang pababa sila ng sasakyan at nang susunod ako, sabay nilang binuksan ang magkabilang pinto sa backseat.

Pinagitnaan nila ako at tahimik silang yumakap sa magkabilang gilid ko. Hindi ako nagsalita sa ginawa nila pero napayuko na lang ako bago sunud-sunod na lumabas ang mga luha na kanina ko pa pinipigilan sa ospital hanggang sa ihatid ako ni Anthony sa mga kaibigan ko.

I was trying so hard to be stronger one. Ayoko nang sabayan ang pagkabasag niya dahil alam ko namang uunahin niya ako. Alam kong uunahin niya kung ano ang mas makakapagpagaan sa akin kahit ang kapalit nito ay siya mismo.

I know because Anthony is selfish like that. To not make me choose. To not burden me... for it not to hurt.

And I am selfish too... in a way that I assured him my love could bear the weight, even when I do not know how to carry it. Na kung hindi ko man madala lahat para sa kanya, mapagtitiisan ko.

Dahil kahit pala pinapadali ng pag-ibig ang bigat na dala ko, nasasaktan pa rin ako. So is it truly enough?

I can't help but be wounded with him and for him. I hurt for the love that was taken away from him as he grew up. I hurt that Anthony only knows love when it comes with hurt. I hurt for the things and people that I cannot protect him from.

I hurt for my heart that is him. But I pretend anyway. Because if he is not a liar, I am. I lie for it not to hurt him. I lie because I know that it will hurt him if I am hurting.

I lie with every graceful touch as I wipe his tears away. I lie with every look of courage as I stand beside him. I lie with the sound of my voice as each syllable breaks before I let them out. I lie with the scent of honesty as I cover its unpleasant smell of betrayal. I lie with the taste of happiness as I pull back from its bitterness.

And despite all these lies, I hope he'll listen to the only genuine part I have... my heart that calls for him.

Only him. 

"H-how... for fuck's sake... how can a mother not love her own?" I whispered as I finally broke down. "How can a mother be so cruel to an innocent child... to my heart... to Anthony..."

"Rafi..."

"I love him, Mads..." I uttered with a prayer.

I pray for the world to be gentle with Anthony. For the world to repent for his hurt. For the world to see that his heart could only take so much and it needs to stop breaking.

"I love him so much..." I whispered with sincerity. "But I do not know how to make my heart so big that it could embrace him from all these cruelties."

"I love him so much... but I do not know if that is enough. If I am enough," I admitted defeat.

Tonight, I will question the broken pieces we didn't deserve as I embrace every hurt. As I embrace every loss that we had to bear.

Because the only way we will win the game is to lose. And in losing, you are given a chance. You get to bet. You get to try again.

And I will, for Anthony... I will try again.