Part Two: Not Like the Movies

280.2

ANTHONY

It is bright and sunny when Rafaela and I came out of my car, opposite of what we are both wearing—black. I pulled out my wayfarer to block the sunlight before I took Rafaela's hand so we could walk to the memorial chapel together where the mass before burial will be held.

"I'm here, okay?" she reminded me and I gently kissed the top of her head.

"I love you," I whispered and she gave my hand a light squeeze as an assurance that I won't be losing her and she will stay.

Napapikit ako at huminga nang malalim nang sabay kaming huminto sa tapat ng wooden door. Ito pa lang ang unang beses na tatapak ako sa lugar na 'to para sa taong nagluwal sa akin.

I wasn't present until the last day of Anna's wake but I finally had the courage to see her today, and for the last time. I know that isn't the normal response from a child who lost a parent, but I was never really hers.

And although I am acknowledging that it is Anna who gave birth to me, I finally understand that she isn't my mother. She never was to me.

That the only time I heard the echo of her love was when she allowed me to live. But even that, I know now that I don't owe it to her.

So I promise today, that this will be the last time she takes up a space on my present. That this will be the last time I look back on my past with her. I am done making space for the love I didn't get from her, from the hurt and trauma I didn't deserve as her child.

I am done being her regret. Now, my future will be for me. For the people who truly see and love me.

"Let's go, babe," I said before opening the door.

Ibinaba ko pa ang itim kong salamin nang pumasok kami ni Rafaela. Agad akong sinalubong ni Daddy at yumakap naman ako habang nanatili kaming tahimik. I cried on his shoulder, finally releasing the weight of this game I never wanted to play with Anna.

Hinaplos niya ang likod ko at paulit-ulit na humingi ng tawad. Tinanggap ko 'yon para sa pareho naming paghilom. Tinanggap ko 'yon dahil nauunawaan kong pareho lang kaming napaglaruan at nasaktan.

Tinanggap ko 'yon dahil anak niya ako at mayro'ng pagmamahal sa akin na alam kong pwede ko pang ibigay sa kanya bilang ama.

"Mahal kita, anak," narinig ko pang sabi niya at tumango ako bago nagpunas ng luha.

Tinapik ko ang balikat niya at binigyan niya ako ng espasyo para makalapit sa gitna. Bumaling ako kay Rafaela at binigyan niya ako ng oras para sa sarili kong proseso ng pagluluksa.

Lumapit ako at tahimik na tumitig sa urn ni Anna na gawa sa puting marmol. Napapaligiran ito ng marami at puro puting bulaklak—calla lilies to be precise, her favorite flowers.

I closed my eyes and whispered my genuine prayers. Anna hurt me the most but I still pray for her to be in a beautiful place, somewhere peaceful in the afterlife. I pray that she is forgiven, because I do.

Idinilat ko na ang mga mata ko pagkalipas ng ilang minuto at pinagmasdan ang malaki niyang larawan. Malungkot akong ngumiti. She looked so happy in this, but she never really was.

And she told me she doesn't lie. But that's all she ever did in this life.

Lumingon ako, akmang uupo na sa pew. Pero nakita ko ang mga ninong ko sa gilid, lahat sila ay tulad ko na nakasuot din ng itim.