Part Two: Not Like the Movies

265.

ANTHONY

I dragged my feet just so I could force myself to enter this place. Bahagya akong napapikit sa pagkasilaw at sandali kong hinayaang mag-adjust ang mga mata ko sa liwanag bago ito unti-unting idinilat.

Everything is white, opposite of darkness where stars truly shine.

Hospitals are usually bright, but it's such a heavy place to be in. Parang lagi mong ramdam ang bigat ng mga taong nawalan nang pag-asa, mga taong huling beses dito huminga, at ang bawat paalam sa mga pasilyo—tahimik, pero rinig ang bawat panaghoy.

But this hospital also gave us hope with my dad. Dito siya nagpatuloy huminga, dito siya nagkaro'n ng isa pang pagkakataon na manatili. It gave us a chance to be a family, to be with him longer. It made me believe that maybe... things can end happily for us—for me. It made me hope that I can heal and put back the pieces that was taken from me again and again.

Now, I am back to square one.

And I remember how Matti used to hate this place two years ago, when I was hopping from places to places with my work as he started to have his panic attacks, and Monica or Eliana would constantly update me.

I finally understand why.

Because even when hospitals give you hope for healing, it can also take that away.

"Why are you here!?" tanong sa akin ni Zy na agad akong sinalubong at hinila sa collar ng damit. He was waiting outside Rafaela's room before I came, at siya agad ang humarang sa akin.

I was still wearing my white dress shirt from earlier. Marumi na ito ngayon at magulo pero ni hindi ko na nakuhang magpalit ng damit habang hindi ko alam kung saan ako dapat lumugar.

I couldn't go home, not when I know that she's not there to wait for me. Because if she's not around, it's just a unit... it's never my home without her in it.

And if she's not around, where do I go?

So my feet brought me here. Even when I do not want to. Even when I want to hide again. To run away from all of these. From her. From my family. From the love I'm just learning to embrace. So I would stop hurting them, so they could stop hurting for me.

So the world would see that it's only me who deserves the punishment. I'm the bad guy, anyway. And I will accept that. Basta ako lang ang masasaktan. Ako lang dapat.

Dahil sanay na ako.

"You can hurt me until it's enough for you..." pakawala ko sa mahinang boses, nakikiusap ang tono. "I won't feel a thing. Try it."

Binitiwan niya ang collar ng damit ko at matalim na tumingin sa akin. Pero kitang-kita ko ang awa na sumilay sa mga mata niya. Mabilis lang 'yon bago bumalik ang galit niya pero lumayo na siya nang bahagya sa akin.

"Umalis muna sina Mads at Peyton. Nag-a-asikaso para kay Rafi," sabi niya pa. Tumango lang ako at binatuhan niya ako ng puting shirt mula sa bag na dala niya. I think he is planning to pull an all-nighter.

"Magpalit ka. Ayusin mo sarili mo. She won't be happy to see you like that."

"Salamat," nakayuko kong sabi. "How is... she?"

"Gano'n pa rin. Kung paano mo siya iniwan dito," may pait niyang pakawala. "Pinabayaan mo?"

Napatitig lang ako dahil sa tanong niya. I wanted to pretend that I didn't care. That I left because I have no remorse left. That I'm still the old Anthony who cannot grasp the simplicity of love. But if I'm never really meant to know love, then why was Rafaela introduced to my heart?