Less Than Nothing

Chapter 8

A/N
***Mature Warning*****

Chapter 8
The sun was nearly set by the time we exited the bar. Faint stains of orange and crimson linger in the sky, as the raven night continues to seep in. The fall wind sweeps through, a harsh reminder that I should've worn something heavier. I don't mind it though. Certainly felt better than the feverishness I was experiencing before.

"So..." Ryan breaks the comfortable silence that we've been strolling in, "where to now?"

"Good question."

It's still pretty early. Not even nine. When I suggested we leave the bar, I didn't exactly have anywhere specific in mind where to go next. I just knew I wanted to leave.

"We can hit up another bar if you're up for it. Someplace a little more lively. Want to?" He suggests.

The thought does entice me...a new, livelier setting with Ryan as my wingman. That'd probably make for an interesting rest of the night.

"I probably shouldn't." Adrienne needs me in the office by six in the morning tomorrow. Having to be awake that early is torturous in and of itself...don't even want to think about how it would be with a hangover.

"I didn't ask if you should. I asked if you wanted to."

"Don't think what I want matters much anyway."

We stop at a crosswalk, and he turns to face me.

"Of course it does. Why wouldn't it?" He asks, genuine confusion written in his eyes.

"Well, I think when it comes to what I want versus what I know I should do, the choice I have to make is obvious."

We continue walking, seemingly in the direction of my apartment building. I guess he remembers the way from the previous time he walked me home.

"True." He nods. "Is that a habit for you?"

"Is what a habit for me?"

"Being so...calculated. Responsible."

"So thinking about the consequences of my actions makes me calculated? And since when was being responsible a bad thing?" The urge to defend myself swallows me whole. It's quite obvious in my tone too, but he doesn't react.

"I didn't say it was. I was just wondering."

I let the question linger. I guess there is some truth behind it.

"I just like when things go smoothly. And I always do everything in my power to sustain that."

"I respect it." He nods, casually placing his hand on my lower back, and switching our sides on the sidewalk.

"I just hope you know that what you want does matter. Even if you shouldn't want it."

"I don't think that's something I've ever considered."

My entire life, the one thing that's remained constant were my efforts to do the right thing. Always in spite of my true desires. I've never not been wrapped up in satisfying the expectations of everyone around me. That's likely part of why moving away from my family—from everything has me so lost. For the first time ever, the only person's approval I need is my own...the only person's needs I have to fulfill...my own.

It's new. It's scary, but it's mostly exciting.

I can finally start doing things for myself. And maybe stop thinking so damn much.

"I think you should start," He tells me, as we approach the front of my apartment building. "I believe this is you..." He nudges his chin in the direction of my building, stuffing his hands in his pockets. Now that we aren't walking anymore, I get to stare at him again. In this moment, the depth of my attraction to this man truly settles in. I've always known he was attractive, but never quite realized the way looking at him makes me lose my fucking breath.