Clandestine

Twenty Nine

MAYA

"What about Nayeon? That's a cute name," Taehyung said absent mindedly as he stared up at the ceiling, rocking back and forth in the rocking chair in the corner of the nursery.

"Mm...maybe," I hummed as I continued putting things up around the room. Joon would certainly love that.

"Or, you could always name her after her favorite auntie," Minnie added from her spot sprawled out on the floor. She lay there, hair fanned out around her as she scrolled on her phone.

"You're assuming it's a girl," I sighed stepping over her.

"I didn't hear a no..." she sang. "Besides, what are we doing in here if we still don't even know what you're having?"

I stepped back from the wall, eyes trained on my work. Plants and books and empty picture frames filled the space. "Keeping busy."

With everything going on, between bonding dinners with the boys and the days dwindling towards both my debut and the baby being born, I was in constant need of anything to keep my mind off things. My mother-in-law had called it nesting; however, the truth was the nursery felt like the only thing in my life that I had control over.

I'll show you that I can handle the sacrifices for the three of us.

Joon's words weighed heavy on my mind, on constant repeat over the past two weeks as I tried to quiet the doubts lurking in my head. I trusted him, but as much as I wanted to believe that I wouldn't be alone in all of this, I couldn't help but think about when the other shoe would drop.

How many times have I believed him when he had it under control in that deep honey voice of his? How many times had I been left with the responsibility of telling him what consequences his choices had left me with? yet still I had murmured that empty threat as if I had cards to play in this game. It's not like I could leave Namjoon at the end of the day. Not when the thought of him wrapped itself around me and warmed me to my core, and the way he looked at me like I mattered placed me in my own slice of heaven. Not with me having his baby in a matter of months, so close to having that dream of together become a reality.

But at the time, I felt like I could mean it. It felt like I had taken back some small ounce of my life as if I could just up and leave back to a place where I could be okay with dealing with it all on my own as I had before we met. Back when the only inaction that could hurt me or disappoint me was my own.

Instead, he'd pulled me in, warm hands on the small of my back, and pressed his plush lips against the crown of my head sending me reeling back into the present where he was promising to fix it like he always did while I struggled not to melt away. Namjoon was funny that way. Destroying and wreaking havoc to everything in his path, then bending down to pick up the scattered pieces. Always sealing the cracks, but never stopping for long enough to notice the scar lines left behind.

It hadn't taken much of a push from Joon for the company to change its mind, even if they had been a bit reluctant to just tell the truth. They decided to just change up the finer details of how we'd met. The when and the where. Instead of a hotel bar in Vegas, we'd met by chance at the award show that night; we'd both been there, even if Joon had been on the floor with the rest of the celebrities and I had been up in the balcony somewhere too far to even make him out. And rather than the chapel, we'd married after I made the move to Ilsan with the wedding picture Joon's mom had taken of us as proof. We couldn't go to a professional studio to have it taken ( too much of a risk), but his mom had insisted that every married couple needed a picture for their home and the idea of us waiting until we'd gone public didn't cut it for her.

The sudden switch up was dizzying, even with Namjoon double and triple checking with me that this was okay. I mean this version of events had at least made sense. It was the truth, or at least at as close as it needed to get. Why hadn't this been their first idea? It'd take an insane amount of digging to find the lie. At the end of the day only time would tell how well it held up to the public.

"Can't we do something actually fun? Like watch a movie?" Tae pouted, breaking me out of my thoughts.

"You know, Taehyung-ssi, I don't agree with you often, but I'd prefer anything to waiting for her to make up her mind about which plant should go where, "Minnie complained, sitting up on her elbows.

"Oh haha, very funny, but the sooner I get the nursery squared away, the sooner I can relax," I replied, turning towards the two with a half-smile. I wouldn't be able to relax until all of this was over, truthfully.

"That would be a lot easier if you knew what you were having!"

"Then you can find out auntie, but me and your brother don't wanna know. We want it to be a surprise." I taunted back.

Taehyung furrowed his brows. "Isn't that counter productive? Wanting to finish the nursery but not knowing if you're having a boy or a girl?"

"See?! Thank you! Two for two Taehyungie!" Minnie exclaimed.

"For your information, you two, there is more to decorating than just pinks and blues, suits and dresses."

"Oh right, how could I forget, you and Joonie want to start a mini forest for your newborn." I rolled my eyes.

"Well at least I want some variation; if it were up to him, this room would be a bonsai refuge instead of a nursery." The two snickered, getting up from their spots.

"Come on," Minnie smiled, placing her hands on my shoulders ." When the doctor said not to overwork yourself. I'm sure he didn't mean to stay cooped-up in this room the entire time."

"Fine , " I sighed, letting her guide me out of the room. I could use the distraction.

We settled shortly after into the living room, huddled together on the couch with some sci-fi movie Tae had been dying to see playing on the tv. It was times like this that reminded me that I was so lucky to have a support system here. I'd been terrified when I first moved here that I'd be alone with no one to trust but Joon. Things could be so much worse, yet I'm complaining about the hypothetical; things that haven't even happened yet.

I should be happy. Grateful. I'm married and having a baby with Namjoon. I have everything that I could have asked for: a family, friends, a beautiful home.

So why can't I just be happy?