Clandestine

Thirty

JIMIN

It isn't fair. As much as it makes me sound like a child not getting their way, it just isn't.

Why does everyone else get to be happy? Why does everyone else get their fairytale ending? Why can things never just go right for me?

It's as if I'm destined to be alone. Destined to keep trying and giving and searching for love, but never keeping it.

Things were so different when in the beginning with Joon. It wasn't all bad. We were both vulnerable then. Looking for love, trying to learn more about ourselves as we all squeezed together into that one bedroom apartment. He was a good leader; always looking out for everyone, but never for himself. That's how it all started.

He came to me one night, after a particularly hard day at practice. I'd always been such a fast learner when it came to dancing, but for some reason I was struggling with choreography. It wasn't that the move was hard, it just wasn't perfect. After hours and hours it still felt like I was moving wrong. A wrong arm here, a misplaced foot there. I had to be perfect for our debut. We had to be perfect.

The stress of it all left me in pieces, sniffling quietly while everyone else slept. It wasn't until he'd tapped my shoulder that I realized I wasn't the only one awake. He told me to scoot over, voice husky with fatigue. He climbed into my bunk with me, breath on the back of my neck."It's okay. It'll get better," he'd whispered.

It was weird being comforted by another person. It was something in the way his arms wrapped around me and how his voice cracked with tiredness. Something about the way he reassured me.

At least that's how it started.

Sharing a bed every once-in-a-while as we became more comfortable around one another. We became close in a way I wasn't used to. I felt seen. As if his gaze opened up some sort of untapped potential inside myself. For once I was protected and hyung felt like he mattered.

And then things progressed. Suddenly and slowly at the same time, quiet whispers and warm embraces turned into longing stares and lingering touches . We started to spend time with each other away from the others and outside of the dorm. And while we never named what it was between us, we both knew it had progressed far past friendship. Hyung poured all of himself into me. His secrets, his loves, his passions and I drank it in, addicted to the feeling of his attention.

I can't quite remember who it was that initiated that first kiss. The first time our lips brushed together, not entirely sure that this was what the other wanted. The second time our lips crashed together, hungry for validation and each other. His plush lips washed over me, stealing my breath away in ways I never knew one could. Instantly I was hooked, coming back time and time again to feel him all over me. His love. His devotion. His warmth. I needed it. Craved it. And he welcomed me back to his bed every time.

But as time went on, years by this point, it became clear that I wasn't what he where his devotion lied. That was with his music. That was proving to his parents that this wasn't a waste of time. Proving to fans that he was worthy as they pushed him aside. He buried himself in his work, his craft, leaving me to squeeze into the cracks. The devotion I once craved no longer craved me. It scorned me as I waited longing for him to come homeroom late nights at the studio. Hours sitting alone as he rushed out to meetings and sessions with Yoongi-hyung and solo trips to the states to meet new people.

I grew greedy for his time, demanding more and more of the little time he had left to give.

He grew tired with my impatience.

Namjoon always was good at acting like nothing bothered him. It was part of what made him such a good leader. He took the brunt of it all so that we didn't have to. And while I'd once loved that quality about him, I grew to resent it.

I sought comfort elsewhere. If I couldn't be his focus, then I'd be someone else's.

I made him watch me as I flaunted marks on my body that he knew he hadn't made. Swollen lips that he'd yet to kiss, bruises and hickies that didn't match his kisses.

And he pretended that he didn't see.

For the first time, I was invisible to him. His gaze was bare, no longer sparing me second glances. He kept his secrets, his loves and his passion locked away from me, as I had taken them for granted. And the next time I tried to find my way to his bed, I instead found a locked door.

We never talked about it after that. Instead it hung in the room with us, looming over our heads, yet both of us too proud to acknowledge what had really happened. I became another problem he pretended didn't bother him.

Not for a long time. Not until her.

But how could he just forget?

How could he expect me to do the same?

A part of me longed for him to burst into my room saying he'd forgiven it all on somedays. Other days I told myself that I was justified. We never did say what it was between us. But in the end, we both knew better.

And when he refused to meet my eyes, my eyes found Jungkook's staring back into mine. That look. That trust. That devotion. It set me on fire all over again. I flocked to him, needing that feeling of being seen. I wasn't invisible to him. Though in my selfishness, he'd been invisible to me.

I bided my time waiting for a man who no longer wanted me. Everytime hyung's eyes looked at me, but he wasn't really seeing me. I was business. I was what he wanted to escape from.

But to Jungkook, I was the world.

Now I was no one's world.

I blame her for ruining my chances at fixing things with him.

She strode in like she belonged here, molding herself into the cracks I had been squeeze out of like a spilled glass of water. Leaking and seeping into places she shouldn't be and drowning out any chance at working my way back into favor with Jungkook. Any chance at giving him attention rather than greedily devouring all of his. The chance to give things a name rather than carrying on like it wasn't important. Like he wasn't important.

I looked down at the paper in my hand, dialing the number but pausing before I pressed the call button.

She deserves this.

She deserves this.

She deserves this.

I pressed the button, bring the phone up to my ear.

If she wanted to be here, if she wanted to live a life that should be mine, then I'll make sure she'll be seen too.

"Hello, I have a tip that you're going to want to hear."

A/N: Hello loves and Happy New Year (very late I know). I'm so glad to finally be putting this chapter out. This chapter was originally gonna be a sliver at the end of the chapter 29 but I really wanted to dive into to Jimin since I know there's still a lot of questions around what Jimin and Namjoon's relationship was in the first place. Also we haven't heard from him in a while so I wanted to kinda show what his headspace is like.
Also did anyone else peep Joon's hickey on the Weverse live?
Anyways, once again thank you all for your patience and your support. It really brightens my day seeing y'all's responses to the story. I can't wait to see what you guys think of this chapter. I love you guys and I will back with the next chapter soon.
do
xx A.R.C.