pretty chapped lips : malum :

0.7

(trigger warning, I love you all.)

(dedication: @accidentallyirwin for being my first comment and being so sweet, thank you so much for taking the time <3 )

Infatuation, that's what it was: I was infatuated.

I was infatuated with a boy who danced in the middle of the road at midnight. Infatuated with the boy that glided through life like a ghost. Infatuated with a boy that played with death like a child would with a toy. I was infatuated with someone I did not know, yet I knew more about than I could say I knew of my own family.

I knew the way he would move when he was elated, high off life or high off the drugs that coursed through his veins, I had no idea. I knew the way his lips would curve and his brows would furrow whenever anger covered him like smog to a city. I knew how he seemed to battled with himself as he wondered down lonely streets in the middle of the night, those nights he didn't dance, but those nights he didn't scream for death as he sat somewhere on the edge of falling out of love or into it with life itself.

I knew it would get me nowhere. That pinning, longinganddreaming about tanned skin and smoke tumbling past full lips was doing nothing more than poisoning my mind. Logically, I knew I was setting myself up for more than trouble, setting myself up for a kind of heartbreak I couldn't give a name to until it hit me like the cars that would dodge him on those dark nights.

When I close my eyes I hear his words. I hear his voice, speakingsingingscreaming. I hear him like I can hear the rush of blood to my head and the pounding of my heart against my chest whenever he would appear.

As I stumble through my day, lips moving to say im okay while eyes screaming I don't think I can survive another day I hear his voice like a sirens song in my mind. I hear him as he spoke to himself nights before with a bitter laugh while he cursed about what people believe to be God. Id hear the sigh in his voice as it raised to to sing so sweetly with its rough edge. But id hear his screams, gut wrenching, shrill screams.

"Hit me! Just fucking hit me already! I can't fucking live like this anymore-! Don't you get it? I want to die!"

His voice attacked my mind. With claws it would cling onto my subconscious, refusing to let go as it ran around in my mind time and time again. I hear the way his voice would crack whenever he screamed of his wish for death, how it would waver and a sob would break free. I'd hear the crack of his knees colliding with the ground and the gasp of a breath that tore though his parted lips. I could hear his cries playing through my mind like a broken record, the gasps of breath tumbling past torn red lips and his thickening throat.

One night I couldn't stand it. I stood there, watching as he tore himself apart in the middle of the road. I saw the tears that trailed down his cheeks like pale streaks of moonlight. I hear him as he screamed, screeching profanities to nothing more than a deserted road as he fell to the ground. I watched as his hands curled in his hair, I watched as he pulled at the ends and his voice became horse from the sobs that tore through his fragile chest. I couldnt stand it, the sound was like nails on a chalk board and the sight made my head spin as my heart hammered against my chest. I couldn't stand it.

So I went to him.

But, the closer I got, my fears made themselves know. When my bare feet hit the patchy grass wet with morning dew, I knew that I needed to turn back. As my body travelled forward my mind screamed for me to walk away. And as my feet came in contact with the cold sidewalk, I realised what I had done when his sobs stopped crashing into me like waves to the shore.

So, I turned back. I spun around and my bare feet smacked against the ground as I ran for the door. My heart hammered in my chest as if to say what a foolish move it was as the blood rushed to my head like water suddenly reaching the boil as the words ran through my mind again and again like a never ending loop.

"You're a coward."

-

AN/ so.. you like? maybe not?

remember to comment, vote and maybe follow if you feel like it i guess?

please, please do comment more you don't have to or anything but it would be great to know how you feel about this. until next time, lovelies.

-rachel x