pretty chapped lips : malum :

4.5

"Are you okay? Because, you seem.. happy."

When we broke into October, when the seasons started changing again and when the colour of my hair started to fade: things started changing in a way I was happy to see. I stopped being afraid to come back into school after those weeks I was somewhere else, gossip stopped, teachers smiled again and Luke sat with me under the trees at the back of the school where he and the boy two years above ate lunch those days I was gone. It was like spring was bringing something back, and it wasn't just the flowers that began cropping up that were suddenly alive again.

I shrugged my shoulders at Luke's question, and I was smiling without really helping it. "I am happy, at least - I feel happier."

He gave me a confused look. That perplexed, puppy dog expression with his head tilted and eyebrows furrowed almost comically. But I just kept on smiling, and I think that confused him even more. "Luke," I told him, unable to help from laughing which strangely, I had been doing a lot lately. "It's not that weird."

"Sorry, it's just..." He trailed off, voice dropping a little lower despite the fact as we walked through crowded halls I doubted anyone would care to hear what we had to say. "I've known you two years and you've never been this happy."

"I never had a real reason to be before now."

"Okay.. Then, what's the reason?"

By now, I would have turned the other way. I would have made some excuse that I needed to get something from my locker to avoid walking out of school with him, to avoid him seeing the nineteen year old that leaned against the front gate with a cigarette between his lips waiting for the last bell. But I didn't, because I was happy. And, at that point, I realised that I shouldn't hide the reason for that; he was my friend, and he should know why.

"Remember when we talked back in December, right before the end of school, after we worked on our song in the music room after school?" Looking back to the blond by my side, I could tell from the look on his face he was trying to figure out what the hell I was talking about.

The chatter in the halls was loud, deafening almost as we pushed through the crowd to leave the building. The closer we got to the doors, the more it seemed to be dawning on him just what we were talking about.

"Michael, please tell me you're not-."

I kept my head down as we rushed through the doors, Luke's terse words chasing after me like birds to peck at my skin. "He's not a bad guy, Luke." I told him, rushing my words in a fluster in vain hope I could get them out quick enough before he could leap to some conclusion. "He's trying now, I know you care about Ashton and I know what happened with them sucked but-."

"But what, Michael? He's 'changed' now, right?"

At his words I couldn't help the spike of anger they brought. But my jaw just tensed as we stood in the courtyard and I knew I couldn't just run from this. "He is, Luke." I continued, a little softer than he when it came to my tone. "People do shitty things, but it doesn't make them a shitty person. He's trying, and if you took time to actually remember he's a real person too - you'd realise he's not all bad."

"You know Ashton told me, right? About the shit that he does, that he did with him and you?" His words were like an accusation, chilling and threatening. Though I told myself he was just worried about me, I couldn't help but wonder what was making him so worried. He just stood there, practically glaring at me with those oh so fucking bright blue eyes, like he had something to judge - like the decisions I was making had anything to do with him as people weaved in and out, passing us by and carrying on their merry way.

"Don't get mad, Luke, there's no use in it. I'm happy, isn't that enough?" I challenged, only to watch as he became wordless, jaw tight. "You're happy with Ashton, can't I be happy with Calum?"

"You know that's different, Michael. He's just using you and-."

"And you're in love with someone out of reach. Do you see me trying to convince you that your feelings aren't valid? Trying to keep you away from him because I know you'll get hurt?"

Now it was my jaw that was set, waiting for some kind of answer as to why he wanted to pass some kind of judgement on me and the boy I could see from the corner of my eye. He was just standing there by the gate, but the cigarette that should have been between his lips was pinched between his fingers as he stood staring like he was trying to read our lips and understand why my skin more than likely looked as ashen as the sixteen years old before me.

"You've got to pick your poison, Luke." With a sigh I looked back to the blue eyed boy before me, jaw tight and knuckles white where he gripped the binder to his chest. "And I've picked him."

But I just stepped back, because he seemed to only just realise that we both had demons to fight that we loved too much to kill.

"I'll see you tomorrow."

A/N I GOT INTO THE PLAY I GOT INTO THE PLAY I GOT INTO THE PLAY OH MY GOD YES CRUCIBLE 2016 HELLO HELLO I AM PART OF YOU

THE GIRL I KINDA SORTA MAYBE LIKE SPENT A LOT OF TIME WITH ME AT RECALLS AND I WENT TO HER HOUSE AT RANDOM AND HUNG OUT WITH HER AND WE HAD TO DO A MIRRORING EXERCISE THING NEAR THE END AND HAD TO ALWAYS BE TOUCHING AND IT WAS A WEIRD AND I WAS REALLY IN HER GRILL BUT IT WAS BRILLIANT

ANYWAYS I HAD A GREAT DAY HOPE YOU ALL DID TOO I LOVE YOU ALL SO SO MUCH

ONLY SIX CHAPTERS LEFT YIKES GOTTA BLAST

-rachel x