Misfits (#2)

36.

I tilt my head back against the poolside, the beginnings of a sunset peppering the sky above me. I love the solitary moments, the silence but today is one where I miss dad greatly.

Grief isn't confined to moments, or events. It doesn't follow a certain timeline and doesn't stop after a limit. To love someone truly, is to grieve them for however long you live without them.

And I can't miss dad, without missing Auburn.

I remember the day she was born. We'd rushed to the hospital, after school. Grayson was unbothered, not warmed up to the idea of another two siblings after me. But I'd never been more excited.

The hospital room was at the end of the hall and as soon as I entered, dad had opened his arms for me. He was as excited as me when I ran into his body and his arms enclosed me. He showed me my two new younger siblings.

So I held Azure before I ever held Auburn. He'd quietened as soon as he looked at me. I touched his cheek and his face had scrunched, wisps of blonde hair on his head. I promised that I'd be good to him, to her. I'd be the best sister ever to both of them.

A knot tangles in my throat. I try, so very hard, not to think of her in my arms that day. Fire in front of us. Smoke around us.

Instead I force myself to think about how me and dad painted their nurseries together. We went furniture shopping, searched for decorations, bought them clothes. Auburn was unhealthy, born with a heart defect that meant it unlikely she'd survive long. She made it three beautiful years.

God, I miss them.

As soon as I start fighting tears, my phone rings and I have to fight the way I want to sink in relief. I snatch it up so quick, just to hear his voice.

"I need your face. Just to look at." He complains immediately.

My eyes shut. I smile. His voice sounds like home, even when he's groaning like a kid.

"Only four more days." I wade my hand back and forth in the water, lips curving up.

"That's a lotta hours." He grumbles and I can hear distant school bustle, "A war can start in four days. A species could go extinct, the moon could probably blow up. I'm pretty sure the whole Lilo and Stitch movie was over a course of like three days, which you need to watch unless you want me to never talk to you again-"

"Relax, rambler. That's only four more times waking up. Only four school days. I'll be right there before you know it. We can watch it together." I say gently, matching the evening air, "I miss you too."

"You don't know the definition of missing! Ollie fake proposed to his girlfriend at the end of the soccer game yesterday." And then he mumbles, "I want to fake propose to you."

"Everest Ronan Jones? I ask theatrically.

"Violet Fawn Amory." I swear I hear a hint of a smile, as he opens up his locker.

"Will you do me the honour of fake marrying me?" I smile. Only because he's quiet for a second and I know he's smiling too.

"I think we've fake married about six times. I say yes, to every time before and every proposal in the future." He sighs like a swooning bride.

I can't help my laugh and his own sounds out, following mine. I sink a little deeper into the water, liking the cool temperature, "How's school?"

"A big bag of shit." He says cheerily, "Luca's not here, Ria's busy studying and so I'm gonna be stuck with Ollie and his stupid girlfriend. They're obsessed with each other. It makes me puke."