Marina Oneshot Book

How Do I Say Goodbye

Early mornin' there's a message on my phone

It's my mother saying "Darlin', please come home"

I fear the worst, but how could you leave us all behind?

There's so much to say, but there's so little time

"I can't make a baby with that!"

"We were happy and you had to wreck it."

"You created chaos, Maya."

"You need help."

The voices in her head kept shouting at her while she ran on the treadmill. For the past seven months, she would run until her lungs ached and her legs weren't functional anymore. She kept running, though, because she knew it would calm her mind. But it didn't. Her mind filled with everything her wife had said lately. As she forced her tears away, she knew Carina was right. She did create chaos everywhere she went. She ran into the station, almost killing everyone when she became captain. She almost ruined everything trying to make amends after Rigo died. She broke Jack's heart when she was reaching for his promotion. She betrayed Andy. Everything she had ever done replayed in her head, from firefighting back to her track and field days when her dad would push her to her most extreme limits. Even in her home, she created chaos; her brother refused help from her and her dad saw her as a disappointment. She needed the pain to be over, for her mind to rest. She thought she could do it after Rigo died when she met Carina, but now she wasn't so sure anymore. Clearly, Carina saw her as a homewrecker, as did the rest of the team. She was constantly being belittled by her boss and made fun of for being a female firefighter. Yet, somehow, Andy and Vic were never on the receiving end like she was. It wasn't fair, but she had grown used to the comments. To her, it felt like she deserved it, especially with everything that had happened over the past four years.

She thought about the clouds, a thought that hadn't crossed her mind since she met Carina. The thoughts that had helped soothe her to sleep didn't work anymore, because she had Carina. But now... Now, Maya was alone with her thoughts. There was no Carina to comfort her and she knew she only had herself to blame. If she wasn't so focused on getting her job back she wouldn't have risked everything for it. But she had dug her grave and had to lie in it now.

Staring ahead as she ran, the thoughts continued. She kept thinking about Carina and how much she had hurt her wife with her words. She had immediately regretted her words and actions but never had time to truly apologise since she was on a shift. And every time she tried coming up with a coherent sentence, she was either interrupted or couldn't think of anything. She could envision their wedding day perfectly; it was a day of new beginnings and of hope, except for her demotion, and the happiest day of her life. Before she started crying, she turned up the level on the treadmill and ran faster. Her legs burned as she ran, but she never gave up. She couldn't do that. Not with her dad's voice echoing in her mind.

Maya kept running until her left leg froze. Her eyes widened and she moved to apply pressure on it. Her leg was hard as a rock and even bending it slightly hurt. She thought back to the call with the man trapped in the helicopter and how her arm had all but given up on her right when she had needed it most. Earlier that day she had taken Advil in the hopes of getting rid of the pain, to "embrace" it fully, but it wore off quickly. Sighing, Maya put her feet back on the treadmill and continued running, increasing her speed when either her leg or ankle flared up. You're a failure, Maya. You create chaos. You don't save people, you risk their lives. Nobody wants to be around you for a reason. Can't you see that? You don't deserve anything, especially not Carina's love. She should have left you long ago.