Wreck Me, Cia Clemente

47:

"Mahal, stop. Please," minutes after and in the middle of fucking her from the back, she pleaded. "You're hurting me."

Nararamdaman ko ang sakit sa boses niya pero para akong nabibingi. I couldn't hear her talking and pleading to stop lalo na't sinusubukan niya akong hawakan pero hindi niya magawa dahil nakasubsob na halos ang mukha niya sa kama at hawak ko ang magkabila niyang kamay dito sa likod niya. She's almost biting the bed sheet to stop her screaming and trembling, more reasons for me to pound harder and do not stop.

I want her to keep on pleading. I want her to get her punishment from a sin she never confessed to me. A simple sin that made me so furious right now.

"Mahal, ah..." nanginginig siya't muling napakagat sa bed sheet. She's almost there and so do I. "Mahal, ah. Please be gentle. Mahal, please..."

Mas lalo lamang akong naging bingi sa mga pakiusap niya. One more minute of hard pounding on her from the back, I came. This time, inside her again. Napahiga siyang pagod na pagod at halos maiyak-iyak na dahil hindi ko siya pinakinggan na sa labas ko iputok ulit at ang maging marahan. She's now looking at me crying, yet my system did not seem to function well. Instead of being nervous because I made her cry, I laid on top of her again and gave her a love bite on her left boob and kissed her lips after. I did not even try to wipe her tears or say sorry to her after what I did. I just laid besides her and never tried to comfort her.

"Matulog ka na." I said. "May pasok ka pa bukas."

She did not respond, and I know she's just silently crying. I know she hates rough sex and I know that for a reason that stays just between us until now. A reason that will both pain us kapag pinag-usapan namin iyon sa ngayon. It will trigger hate and traumas for the both of us.

I love rough sex because of a toxic reason. She hates rough sex because of a painful reason, too.

"I hate you." I heard her say.

Mayamaya lang ay nakita ko na siyang tumayo. She quickly got dressed and started walking out of my room without even looking back at me. I feel so bad for just watching her walk out of the room without even me trying to stop her. I could not do that. I wanted to but I chose not to follow her. Wala rin akong mukhang maihaharap sa kaniya at katanggap-tanggap na dahilan para magpaliwanag sa kaniya. Napamura na lang ako nang paulit-ulit bago sinubukang pumikit.

I need to rest my fucking mind.

~~~

Nagising akong wala na sina Haze at Esmeralda sa bahay. Napabuntong-hininga agad ako lalo na nang napagtanto ko ang ginawa ko't ang nangyari. I hurted Esmeralda last night and I did not even say sorry or own those mistakes. I have hurt her feelings, most of all. Napahawak ako sa sentido ko dahil sa katangahan ko. Nakakailang buntong-hininga na rin habang tinitingnan ang cellphone ko na wala ni isang message mula kay Emerald kagaya ng nakagawian ko. I wanted to call her, yet I do not know what to say so I just stayed doing nothing. Kahit na si Haze ay hindi ko magawang i-chat dahil parang ayaw kong makipag-usap. I should check on her and Esmeralda, but I chose not to. Hours of contemplating with myself to communicate with Esmeralda, the next thing forced me to.