closer

make up your mind

"Good morning Willow."

"Good morning Eric" I paused, readjusting my grip on the styrofoam cup in my hand as our eyes met. "Sleep alright?"

"Fine, you?"

"Fine" I nodded, focusing on the shipment entering the cargo bay as we both awkwardly sipped our coffee. For the first time ever, the silence between us was filled with uncomfortable tension. I hated it. I wanted things back to the way they once were.

Is there a word for missing someone while they are still in your life?

Days blurred together and the only memorable parts of my hustle were the times I got to see him. A flutter of eye contact, the small twinge of his bottom lip ensures as he tries not to smile at me. Even the way he says my name leaves me yearning for more. Our work week was torture, we even drove our friends away with the tension between us.

No one wanted to risk pissing either one of us off. It would not end well for them.

Christina, Tris, and Molly came over Friday night after work with a bottle of vodka and every intention of helping me understand what was happening between us.

"I miss you in ways that not even words can understand. In case you've forgotten, I'm never not thinking about you. You're everywhere except for here, where you should be, and it hurts. The way I'm trying to look at is that if we share the same air, drink the same water, and stare at the same sunset, in at least one way, we're still together. I'm trying to be positive. I hate that I love you still; regardless of the way you hurt my heart, my soul is still tied to yours. You still own me."

"That was deep" Christina hissed, earning a smack on the back of the head from Tris.

With a small smile gracing my face, I wiped my stray tear and cast it aside. Folding the paper up, I tossed it on the table and Christina snatched it, eager to read it again.

"How did that feel? Getting your thoughts out on paper?" Tris questioned.

"Good, I guess" I paused to lean back into my couch. "Everything feels so wrong."

"It's been a week of awkwardness between you two and as much as I hate to say this, it needs to end" Molly shrugged.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean make the decision. Let him back in or cut his lying ass out of your life forever!"

"Molly!" Tris exclaimed.

"She's not wrong" Christina shrugged, tossing the letter back at me. "March straight up to him and tell him how you feel."

"See, that's the problem. I don't know how I feel" I groaned.

"Yes, you do" Christina scoffed.

"What?"

"Deep down you know exactly how you feel, everything's just really cloudy on the surface. So, as I said, march right up to him and tell him how you feel. Lose control of all functions and let your body do what it feels is right. Whether that's to slap him, yell at him, or fuck him," she paused, ducking down to avoid contact with Tris's hand. "Let your body do what it feels is right."

"I second this motion!"

"Molly! Not helping!"

"She might be right" I whispered after a moment of processing, taking into consideration every possibility. "Look," Tris paused, leaning forward to grab my hand. "Whatever you decide to do, no matter the outcome, we're always going to be here for you."

"Thank you" I whispered, eyes glistening with tears as I reciprocated her level of emotion.

"What are you still doing here?"

"What?"

"Get the fuck out of here!"

"Now?"

"Yes now!" Christina urged as Molly dragged me off of the couch. Stumbling to the door, I held the letter tightly in my grasp, staring down at it in complete disbelief of my plausible actions.

"Go!"

As the three girls yelled in unison, I scattered out and the door and could hear their laughter echoing down the cavernous corridor.

Fuck.

What the fuck.

What am I doing right now?

Is this really me?

Am I really doing this?

Fuck, I'm knocking on the door.

"Willow?"

God, there he is. I guess there's no backing out now.

"Hi" I said meekly.

"It's eleven-thirty at night" he paused, scratching the back of his head. "Is everything alright?"

"Can I come in?"

"Sure" he nodded, my side rubbing against the thin material of his black tank top and jolting me forward as a spark of electricity flared where our skin made contact. "So..."

"I just needed to get something off my chest and after some-" I paused, swiping my tongue across my bottom lip. "-liquid confidence, I worked up the courage to come here."

"I'm right here, get it off your chest."

"You are, you're right there and I'm right here" I gulped.

"We covered that."

"Yeah" I paused, taking a daring step closer. "And that's the problem."

"What?"

"There's too much space, too much unknown. We need to figure it out because all I know is I can't function without you. I can't concentrate on work, I can't sleep, I can't even make my bed without picturing you in it!"

"Willow, I-"

I let out a frustrated sigh, "Kiss me."

"What?" This time it was he who took the daring step forward, now in arms length of me.

"I'm telling you to kiss me."

And I didn't have to tell him twice.