Sanders Sides one shots

The Monster Within

I stand on the stairs, as usual. And just like any other day, I hate myself. My eyes are fixed on Patton. My head is down and my hood is up. Two. Not one. Two. He cuddled them twice. And they gave him a nickname. Why? I have to get outta here. I back up the stairs one by one.
Why must I assume that, for once, somebody cares about me? That I'm special? Why? Will anybody like me? See me as a person? Like me for who I am? Not just out of sympathy? Just because they want to avoid THAT conversation?
I am in my room.
Briefly, I wonder if the others would have noticed that I'm gone. No. They wouldn't. They wouldn't even care if I never showed my face again. If I died.
Maybe Patton would, I try to reason to myself. But only Patton. But as Logan told me, I have to fit the needs of the many - not the one. Besides, if Patton did notice my absence, he would be sad. Then everyone would hate me even more. They would celebrate my death.
Oh.
My.
God.
I cannot believe that I just thought that. Hurting Patton is never a good thing. I'm such a monster. I do deserve to die. I don't deserve anything other than death.
I walk over to my bed, pulling the cardboard box out. In it, all of my tru friends shine as they smile hungrily. I had abandoned them for too long.
My hoodie suddenly feels suffocating and I rip it off as quickly as possible. I pick out a random knife and I begin cutting. My wrist is  burning, my knuckles are raw and bloody.
But this is what I deserve. For hurting Patton. For being so selfish and horrible. So...so...
It hurts. It hurts so much!
For a moment, I think that maybe I should kill myself now. Before it gets too hard. The blade is sharp and hungry for more blood.
"Virgil?" I hear Patton say behind me.
I drop the knife and turn around. Patton is standing at the top of the stairs, a concerned look on his face. I follow his gaze down towards my bleeding arm. My gaze trains itself onto the floor. I can't look at him. I can feel the hurt without even seeing it. He steps closer to me. Without thinking, I run to my room and lock the door.  I sink to the floor and hug my knees close to my chest.
"Virgil? Are you okay?" Patton calls through the door.
"Go away!" I yell back, my voice breaking. I know he won't leave until I tell him to.
"Virgil." Patton says softly. "What happened? You've been acting weird since yesterday."
"I'm fine," I lie. I am not fine. I'm dying inside.
"You're clearly not," Patton sighs.
"Leave me alone!" I cry.
There's silence for a second. Then, footsteps.
"Okay, Virge." Patton says gently. "if that's what you want."
Alone again, I can do the thing that I set out to do. With no rope, a bunch of shoelaces will have to work. 
I need to make sure that nobody sees me. Even though, I guess, they would if I killed myself. But that's why they're not here. I'm going to make sure that no one finds me. No one sees.
I just linger a few seconds. I pull out a hoodie and leave it on my bed. I write Patton on it with the words thank you.
There is no going back now.
I grab the shoelaces and tie them together tightly. Then I hold the shoelaces against the door handle and push it shut. I slip on the hoodie and wrap a loose knot in one end of the shoelace.
This might take a while. But I can manage.
I can manage this. The knot just say fits over my thick, stupid skull. I pull it tight and smile as it nips my neck. Then I make another small knot at the other end of the shoelace. I hook that one onto the door handle, pulling it tight too.
I shuffle down the floor until the laces pull straight. It's already hard to breathe but I know it will be a long wait. I can hear life around me go on as if I wasn't suffocating myself to death. Logan is coming up the stairs. He knocks on Romans door to tell him that dinner is ready. He knocks on mine too.

I don't know how long it has been. My vision is going dark and I want to go to sleep. I hope I die soon.
Suddenly, I hear someone walking into my room and I freeze up.
"Virgil?" Logan asks from behind the door. He doesn't sound worried or angry. Maybe  I can say I fell? Or maybe he thinks I went down the stairs. There is no way out of this. But then, the knob turns.
He opens the door until it hits my head.  I whimper slightly, but I stay still and try to breathe through my nose.
"Virge?" He says again, stepping into my room. His voice sounds strange. Distant and calm.
Logan's voice is cold and emotionless. It scares me.
"Are you alright?"
"I-"  I tyr to lie but my throat is dry and it closes up right as I pass out.