permanent price ✷ alex karev

021. harbor

"harbor"
by clairo

" harbor myself away from everyone else
i'm half awake and intimate
eyes closed and i'll commit
what i wish i had with you
i'll pretend until it's true
i don't love you that way
swallow the pill, it's only fair that i hear
know myself better than i have in years
i don't know why i have to defend what i feel "

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

"what have i done to deserve this?"
season 2, episode 19

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

eleanor woke up that morning with swollen eyes and no desire to get out of bed. unfortunately, being an intern did not give her time to wallow in self-hatred--she had to go to work. even more unfortunately, two of the people she couldn't bare to face were her coworkers, one of them also being her roommate. it was not ideal. things were not ideal.

she had spent most of the morning sitting on the shower floor as the water ran over her back, only to be rudely interrupted by izzie banging on the door. she tried to wash away the feeling of george's hands on her body, but one thing eleanor knew about things like this was soap and water never make the feeling go away.

she didn't really know what it was she was feeling. it was different than before. it was unfamiliar. george was her friend, and they didn't actually go all the way so it wasn't like he really did anything to her. he wasn't doing it to hurt her. it was the complete opposite to what had happened to her the year prior, yet it still hurt just as much. within just a few minutes he had gone from promising he'd never hurt her the way alex and mark did to hurting her even more. how does that happen? how do things go wrong so fast? in one day, mark had shown up and brought all the memories back, she'd broken up with alex, and she almost had sex with george.

how did things go so wrong?

she didn't know.

and she didn't know where to go from there.

how was she meant to get up every day, go to work, face them, and do her job?

how was she meant to walk around and carry all this weight? all of this pain.

she didn't know.

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

"what'd you do to eleanor?" meredith asked alex as as they wheeled their patient down to c.t.

"i didn't do anything. she dumped me." alex told her.

"okay, but why did she dump you? you had to have done something." meredith asked.

"she called it quits because i was talking to sloan. i mean i knew she had issues with him, but i didn't think it was so bad i couldn't even work with the guy." he explained.

"well, fix it. she looks horrible. her eyes are all swollen and she was hogging the shower all morning. somethings wrong with her." meredith told him.

"i figured she just needed some space to cool off, I'm gonna try and talk to her later." he said.