permanent price ✷ alex karev

031. quiet, the winter harbor

"quiet, the winter harbor"
mazzy star

" you look so sad
well, so you think
you say, "come over"
and you're still a star
...
save me
'cause i'm still sinking
we've got a harbor
close to the shore
simple
your thoughts are swimming
i'd like to see them
when you're alone
you've got the same smile
you had before
it's just lighter
and what i adore
save me
'cause i'm still sinking
and you've got a harbor
close to the shore"

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

season 3, episode 16
drowning on dry land

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

fight or flight. and freeze, as eleanor liked to include.

she'd been thinking about the phenomenon a lot recently.

fight or flight.

except eleanor wasn't freezing this time.

maybe she should've froze for just a moment and thought what she was about to do through. but it was meredith, there was no time to freeze. 

eleanor was at a point where she barely had the physical or mental strength to do her job, let alone dive into elliott bay and pull out her best friend's body. adrenaline was the only thing that was propelling her through what may as well have been mission impossible.

it was meredith, there was no time to freeze.

in typical eleanor fashion, she dove head first (quite literally into the freezing cold water) without thinking of how it would affect her. 

she never really thought about herself until it was too late. she was always so preoccupied thinking about everyone but herself. 

"mark knows all about dating, i should trust him if he thinks this guy is a good match for me" look where that got her. 

"meredith is following the bomb squad, i should stop her in case it blows." and then it did, and eleanor was in the wreckage now too. 

"it's george, i don't want to hurt his feelings." and then she hurt him anyway, and hurt herself even more. 

time and time again, eleanor fucked herself over trying to save everyone else, and here she was, doing it again. 

and alex. god, alex. letting herself fall for him? stupid. so incredibly stupid.

she shouldn't have been thinking about alex at a time like this, but she couldn't help it. she couldn't help but think of him when things were falling apart.

when she couldn't sleep at night, she'd lay awake and think about alex.

when george's dad died, she thought about alex.

when the bomb blew, she thought about alex.

when she dove into the water, she thought about alex.

she swam straight down, the water stung her eyes and the cold was freezing against her skin. but she kept swimming. she kept swimming until she saw meredith and she grabbed her arm and pulled her up. eleanor was getting tired. she was always so tired. but she kept swimming until she got to the top. as soon as she reached the surface she screamed. she screamed as loud as she could, "i need help over here, now! i need some help right fucking now!"