Payback: Reversal

12 - The Part That Hurts The Most

CW : //implied self-harm//
_______________________________

Yoohan liked to take a bath twice a day, even in winter. He would prefer the water to fill the tub so much that he could drown in it. And he'd like it if the water temperature was almost too hot to the touch, making his fair skin redden even with a slight dip.

It wasn't because Yoohan was obsessed with cleanliness or anything.

It was because he felt he was filthy.

Just for a bit, during the time the hot water felt like it could melt his skin, Yoohan wondered if the filth in his heart could be washed away.

When he decided to walk this path of revenge, Yoohan swore he would stop at nothing if it could help him. Whether it was to dirty his hands or to sell his body. He was ready to give himself to Lee Wooseok if it would help him achieve revenge, seducing the man to destroy the family while acting like a whore.

If Yoohan had never met Yoon Jay again, he might resort to that method.

Yoohan hated his family, but he hated himself so much more.

Was someone with this kind of filthy state of mind deserving anything pure like love? Yoohan didn't think so. The more he felt Jay's one-way devotion to him, the more Yoohan felt like a rotten filth. He felt awful when he returned that devotion with cold words, but he felt even more awful when he thought about wanting to reciprocate it.

Yoohan slid down on the tub, submerging his head under the water. Today too, he was tempted to just stay there like that, never to surface again, just fell to the bottom and rest.

Just rest.

Looking up, the water looked pretty with dispersing light making patterns on the surface. Indeed, the world was a beautiful place once. In this limited space, Yoohan could pretend that the world was still a beautiful place for him.

He wondered if his mother and brother lived in an even more beautiful place right now. They should, right? Unlike Yoohan, they were kind, beautiful people who deserved so much more than what they got in their unfair life. Who was he, to enjoy more than they could?

He wanted to see them again, missed his mother's gentle smile and his brother's cheeky laugh. But Yoohan felt like he wouldn't be able to.

Not with how filthy he was.

Just as his lungs felt like they were about to burst, he was yanked up by a strong hand. Yoohan grabbed the tub's side in reflex, gasping to fill his screaming lung with air.

"You still have things to do, Master, please be more careful," Jay spoke dryly, his pale eyes shining in coldness.

The man had a smile on his face, but it didn't touch his icy gaze. It was clear that Jay was pissed—in the time he worked for Yoohan, this kind of thing had happened four times already. Jay had to watch the clock cautiously every time Yoohan had a bath, and checked his master from time to time.

Sometimes, Yoohan would resurface by himself, but other times like today, he would stay down there without any intention to come up. The first time it happened, Yoohan almost lost consciousness before Jay took him out, skin red and face blue. Since then, the bodyguard always stood guard during bath time, watch in the ready, ears in full caution.

Jad wondered how many times this kind of thing happened before he was there, how many times Yoohan had a close call like this. How many times he was almost lost Yoohan unknowingly?

But this master of his just laughed heartlessly, coughing, leaning back into the tub as if he didn't just try to unalive himself.

Jay realized then that the most dangerous thing wasn't an external threat, but Yoohan himself.