Belong With Me

39:Screwed-Up and Complete

"If you go home pregnant blame it on Dallas, for buying you those cheap condoms."
I choke on my sandwich at Sierra's cheery voice approaching. Matt pats my back as I hack up a lung and Sierra only plops down beside me with a curious look.
"You're not pregnant right?!" I finally stop dying and fix her with a shocked look.
"I'm still a virgin! Oh my god!" I feel Matt stiffen beside me at this little piece of info, because well we all know he isn't.
"But what about this morning, I mean y'all where naked and strattaling and kissing and-"
"Sierra, one we were not naked, and two we were JUST kissing."
She gives me an apologetic look before taking a sip of her soda.
Dear lord help me. I sigh before finishing my sandwich.

Matt is suspiciously quiet the rest of the day and he doesn't sleep with me that night. To say I didn't sleep well is an understatement.

The trip passes in a blur until it is the last day and we are all trying to cram as much into it as possible knowing we would be leaving in the morning.
Sierra and Dallas had been their regular crazy selves, and after the me and Matt situation was cleared up they both enjoyed reminding me of my virgin status.
Not that it bothered me, but it did seem to bother Matt.
Every time it was mentioned he would stiffen before defending me by saying how it was a good thing, and something to be proud of.
He never slept with me again so I was left with his shirt that barely smelled like him anymore. Everyday he would get more and more withdrawn. He wouldn't talk as much, he would spend more time by himself and he always seemed deep in thought.
So on the last day when the group wanted to go parasailing and he said he would skip out on this one I had had enough.

"You two go, I'm going to say with Matt." When he opened his mouth to argue I gave him a look that told him I wasn't budging.
Sierra and Dallas only shared a glance before shrugging and heading off towards the rental place.

The walk back to the house was 15 minutes of dead silence.
I let him have these moments because the moment we step into that house I'm grilling him.
He has that far away look on his face most of the walk, I meanwhile enjoyed the sand under my feet and the salt in the slight breeze blowing my hair lightly.

We finally reach the house and I enter first before spinning around once I hear the door shut behind Matt.
"Ok, what's up?" I spare no time beating around the bush, instead getting straight to the point. His eyes are lowered and he shuffles his feet.
"Nothing Cam. Just don't worry about it." He crosses his arms but doesn't meet my eyes.
I want to know what I did wrong, because that is the only explanation I have. I must have done something to make him so revolted with me, to make him so closed off from me. But what that thing is I have no clue.
Sighing exasperated I run a hand through my wavy hair before pulling at the roots slightly.
"Matt I'm sorry,............ for whatever it is I did. I don't know what it was but I know I'm not perfect but please just tell me what it is so I can fix it."
His head snaps up, his eyes narrowed and boring into mine.
"You think this is about you, you think you've done something wrong?" after my nod he lets out a dry chuckle, containing no humor. "you haven't done anything Cam and that's the problem. I'm a mess! I'm a fucking screw up! I've slept with more girls than I can count, I've gotten drunk way too many times, I've done bad things Cam! But you....... you, you're perfect. You see others before you see yourself, you would die for others. And I don't deserve you! That's the problem!" His hands clench and unclench before running warily through his hair. He starts pacing and I'm speechless. Does he not see how much he has helped me, how much he has brought me back to life? "I'm so.... so scared you will realize all of this one day and leave me. I don't deserve you, you could do so much better than me and I'm scared you will see that one day. And I can't bear to think about when that will come. Because I love you, I want you, and god! I need you!"
I move forward until I'm directly in front of him. I place my hands on both sides of his face forcing him to look at me. I stare into his bright eyes, almost getting lost as I run my thumbs over his cheekbones.
"Mathew....... I don't think you realize just how much you mean to me. You brought me back to life, you made me feel again and you made me happy. Matt nobodies perfect, especially not me. I don't know why you think I would ever leave you. But I do know one think for sure, I Love you Matt. I LOVE you. Those words mean so much, and when I say them I mean them with all my heart." Tears are in my eyes and one finally escapes but Matt's warm hand comes up to wipe it away. I let my hand fall and his arms wrap around me, pulling me into his hard chest. "I need you Matt." I feel his shudder of breath and I know he's crying now too. His hand runs up my back and I wrap my arms around him fisting his shirt as more tears run down my face.
It scares me how much I need this boy, how much I would break if he ever let me go.
He is scared I will leave, but I have never felt so complete before. And this is a feeling I will never give up.
"I don't deserve you."
I frown against his chest before stretching up on my toes to kiss him.

"Maybe not, but you have me nonetheless."