talk too much -- tommyinnitxoc

twenty nine

janelle pov!

"It's actually so funny you say that because your opinion does not matter. At all."

"I want to say that I'm surprised that your ideas are so stupid, but I absolutely expected this."

Ranboo and I went back and forth, arguing about every aspect and feeling surrounding England.

"Let's recap, okay?" Ranboo gave me a dirty look before continuing. "You think American food is better, but the city and activities are better in Britain!"

He was gaping at me while I nodded enthusiastically.

"You have the wrong opinion in every single way."

"There is no flavor here! No spice, no salt, no options! But, the houses here actually have style and the streets are walkable."

"I see what you're saying, but consider shutting up. American food will kill you, literally, everything is unhealthy!" Ranboo created dramatic gestures by talking with his hands and animating his head being cut off. "And yeah, maybe it's impossible to get anywhere without a car in America, but at least you won't be stabbed like you will in London."

"Well, I mean... Okay you have a point," I sighed, "what's the final verdict, do you like it here or America better?"

"Honestly, I can't pick a favorite. I love them both – a lot."

"Yeah, I know," I agreed, falling onto my bed.

Neither of us has admitted it, but we are both going through the same dilemma. Do we leave the only homes, families, and countries we have ever known solely to experience a new one? Abandoning the very life I had in America is not something I want to do. It's a major risk and loss that I can already feel the pain of. However, I can't lose everything I have in England, either. I have the option to stay with some of the best people I have ever known and experience a life I will never get another chance to live again. But is it worth it?

I could go back to late-night video calls, playing games until the time differences reminded us that we lived separate lives again. I could plan trips to see my friends every few months, spending thousands of days mindlessly waiting for the short week I will have to visit them. They would still be in my life, exactly how they were a few weeks ago before I ever went to Britain. I wouldn't lose anything because it would be exactly as it was before.

But I wouldn't have Tommy.

I would never be able to know if what I felt for him was reciprocated or could ever go anywhere. It wouldn't be fair to either of us if I admitted my feelings only to walk out the door, flying halfway across the world with a broken heart. I would have to stomp those emotions out of my mind the moment I stepped foot on the plane back to America. The love I have for him would become brittle and fall apart without him around me.

Maybe that would be better? I could break my own heart rather than let him do it. A small mercy for us both.

I try not to imagine what life would be like here. I try to stop the daydreams and unrealistic hopes before they well up in my heart and demand action. Before I make choices guided by them instead of reality or logic, but my efforts fail and sometimes I let myself believe. Believe that it's all possible.

I could get my own apartment, a mile from the beach and the English coast. Or I could go to Nottingham and live a train ride away from Tommy. Waking up every day with the smell of Brighton's sea salt or the feel of Tommy's arms is a temptation far stronger than I am.

At the cost of leaving my American life behind.

I saw a similar struggle mirrored in Ranboo's eyes, buried under his humor and carefree attitude, which was a question that he has been stressed about constantly.