[BoyxBoy] Butterfly and Toad ✓

13 - Toad, Changing Color

As odious as a toad
Contemptible or despicable.

• o 🦋 o •

I had been right. His lips were heavenly. His kiss gentle.

I was the luckiest man alive cause somewhere inside me I thought Riley had been wrong and there was no way Mica of all people would ever like me. But as I kissed him, he didn't turn away. I felt so happy.

I pulled away and gazed at his face. I expected him to look as content as I probably did but instead he looked shocked. He wouldn't even look at me. He covered his mouth.

Oh no. No, please.

"Mica-"

Before I knew it he'd walked off and locked himself in the bathroom.

I thought I was going to cry. Had he not enjoyed it as much as I had?

Of course not! How could I have been so stupid to listen to Riley! How many boyfriends has she had? Like two? In middle school!

Of course Mica didn't like me like that! I was a toad! I was just some funny creature to laugh at and play with when there was no one else around. Of course he'd never want me to kiss him!

Now I'd ruined everything. He was never going to see me again! He'd hate me forever. Whenever he'd think of me now he'd freeze and shudder at the trauma of having my slimy lips touch his perfect ones.

What was I thinking?! I covered my face and wallowed in self doubt.

All those signs that I thought meant he liked me, really meant he was who he was: Mica. Endlessly kind, selfless, charming, charismatic, empathetic, giving, utterly perfect. How he responded to me had more to do with him than with me. He was like that with everyone. 

I was humiliated. I'd leave. I'd leave and never come back. I'd text him how sorry I was and we'd never see each other again.

I got up and walked towards the door. When I passed the bathroom I stood still and wondered what he was doing in there. How he must feel. I'd made him upset, I just knew it.

It wouldn't be right for me to leave. This was my mistake and I was going to fix it, dammit.

"M-mica?" I asked. I caressed the door for some reason.

No response.

"Mica, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I just thought you felt.. I thought you wanted that too.. That was my fault. Maybe I should've asked or something. God, my parents gave me a whole speech about consent and now I just completely violated you.." I sat down on the bed.

"I'm sorry I didn't ask for your consent. And I'm sorry I'm probably a terrible kisser, I don't really do this often... In fact that was my first kiss and I really hate myself for.. well, all this. I guess we won't really be friends anymore after this, which I completely understand. You probably think I'm totally unhinged. Kissing you... Liking you.."

I clasped my hands together.

"But yes, I do like you. And not in the way you like me but in the way most guys like girls. And.. while I've had crushes on girls I never quite felt how you make me feel. I know this is probably repulsive to you, and you in all your immaculateness will be shivering with disgust by now but I have to tell you the truth. I need you to know that thinking of you makes my skin tingle, releases a horde of butterflies in my stomach, makes me smile uncontrollably..." I sighed. The more I spoke the more obvious it became how pathetic I was.

"I was arrogant enough to think you might feel the same way. I'm so sorry. I don't know what you're thinking but.. It's not your fault that I, you know, as- assaulted you-"