Chapter Thirty-Two: Can You Stay?

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|Shawn|

January 2000

I felt like I was in a haze. I had spent months telling Rebecca I was going to get clean, and if anything I had gotten worse. I knew I shouldn't have taken anything before the party, but I couldn't stop myself.

Now Cameron was opening presents. Rebecca was doing most of the work, since he was only turning one. I sat beside them, feeling like I was in a different place entirely.

Rebecca could tell I was fucked up, and I knew it. Her posture was rigid and she avoided looking at me, focusing completely on Cam. Like I should have been. I knew I was in for an earful once everyone left.

"Shawn, look over here. I want a picture of all three of you," Mama said. I tried to focus hard enough to look normal and happy. Based on Rebecca's huff, I knew I had failed.

"One day. You couldn't get yourself cleaned up for one day, Shawn." Her voice was quiet enough that one I could hear, but it was laced with venom.

I couldn't think straight enough to care. It was just some party, what did she have her panties all in a twist for? The kid would have plenty more birthdays.

Little did I know then how much those milestones would come to mean to me.

***

I threw Scottie up in the air and caught her effortlessly. She giggled and wrapped her arms around my neck. "Daddy, can you stay? And Mommy."

"Mommy and Daddy have to go to work. You're going to go stay with Grandma Linda tomorrow. You like it there, don't you?"

"I want to stay with you and Mommy," she insisted. That tugged at my heartstrings.

I tucked her into her bed, taking a seat on the edge of it. "We will be right here when you wake up. Tomorrow we're all going to the airport together, and we'll get on a plane to go back to your grandma's."

"Cam too?"

She asked for Cam a lot lately. She just wanted someone to play with.

"Cam is at his mommy's house," I said.

"Can you stay with me at Grandma's house?"

"No, sweetheart," I answered. "But you'll see us in a few days, okay? I promise. You're going to have so much fun with Grandma that you won't even notice we're gone."

"Okay."

"Now you have to go to bed so you'll be full of energy tomorrow." I kissed her forehead, making sure she was snuggled into the blankets.

"Love you, Daddy."

I paused by the door. "I love you too, sweetheart." I turned off the light and her princess night light turned on.

Kat was waiting for me on the couch when I came back downstairs. "How was putting Scottie to bed?" she asked.

I knew that as much as she was trying to give me time with Scottie, it still gave Kat some anxiety to leave Scottie's daily tasks to me. A combination of knowing Scottie was a complete mama's girl, worrying about whether we would bond, and lingering memories of how clueless about parenting I used to be plagued her mind.

"Perfectly fine," I reassured her. Then I clasped my hands together and announced my big surprise. "Now relax and grab yourself a drink, because I'm going to cook dinner for you."

Kat stopped in her tracks. After all the time we'd spent together, it was getting harder to surprise her. "You've never cooked a meal for me."

"A man can't have hobbies?" I asked with a teasing smile. I walked into the kitchen and began grabbing the cookware I needed.

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