Hard Knock Life

The Funeral

The day had come. Your mom's funeral. You stood in your room staring at the floor length mirror. A long black dress covered your frame. She would have hated it. Made some rude remark about you trying to look like a saint. Fuck, mom. You did it. You left us.. again.

You sat down on your bed and closed your eyes. You had been able to block out all of your emotions by focusing on Johnny. But the time was here. You couldn't push it away anymore. "Baby?" Billy's voice caused you to open your eyes. "Hey." you gave him a soft smile.

"Steve's here for Johnny." Billy said and you stood up. "You look nice in that suit, Bills." you kissed his cheek before walking into the living room. Steve's eyes met yours and he teared up. Don't. Please don't. "I'm fine, Steve." you said blankly. He pulled you in for a hug and you buried your face in his chest.

"You smell good." you mumbled. He pulled away and kissed your forehead lightly. You smiled weakly at him. Oh shit. Your eyes welled up with tears and he pulled you back into him. You heard Billy's footsteps approaching and quickly wiped your tears against Steve's shirt. You pulled away and kissed his cheek.

"Thank you for keeping Johnny." you said, your voice shaky. "Of course." Steve said softly. You looked back towards Billy. "Ready?" you said and he nodded. He came to grip your hand tightly in his as you made your way outside. "We picking up Robin?" Billy asked as he opened your door. You nodded and slid in the seat.

You were quiet for the drive. Thoughts suddenly ran rampant in your brain. You remember back to better days. Before the drugs, before the alcohol. When she was a mom. It wasn't for long but those memories never left you. You clung to them like a child clinging to their favorite stuffed animal during a storm.

The last words you said to her tasted bitter on your tongue. 'You're a piece of shit.' And she was. She was selfish and greedy and loved men and drugs more than her own children. But she was your mom. And now she is gone. Forever. You closed your eyes and leaned against the cold window trying to breathe in and out slowly.

The car came to a stop and you peeked out the window to see Robin walking your way. She climbed in the back seat and reached up, giving you a hug. "I love you." she said, planting a kiss on your cheek. You smiled at her and told her that you loved her too. You closed your eyes again and didn't open them until you pulled up to the funeral home.

You felt Billy's hand on your thigh as he gave it a little squeeze. You took a deep breath and opened your eyes. I can do this. You opened the door and lit a cigarette. You saw two cars parked in the parking lot. Would there be anyone here for her? You doubted it. She didn't have many people she hadn't screwed over.

You inhaled deeply and leaned against the car, feeling unstable. Billy's arm came around your waist and you leaned into him. "I don't feel so good." you said shakily. "I've got you, baby. I'm right here." Billy soothed, pulling you into him even tighter. Your head was pounding and your breathing quickened. Fuck, I don't want to be here.

"Billy I don't wanna be here." you said quickly. "Hey.. hey it's okay." he said. He lifted your face to his. You looked into his blue eyes before your vision was blurred by tears. You felt Robin's hand rubbing circles along your back. "We're here, y/n." she said gently. Breathe. Just breathe. You swallowed hard and wiped away your tears.

You leaned up and kissed Billy's lips gently. "I love you." Billy said against your lips. "I love you, too." you whispered. Billy kept his arm around you as you made your way into the building. You saw her casket ahead. A beautiful dark wood. Robin had helped you pick it out. She's been so helpful through this entire process.

Running around like a crazy person, calling about the casket, flower arrangements, the headstone. All the things you couldn't deal with she had picked up the slack. She allowed you to focus on Johnny and make sure he was okay. You reached over and took her hand in yours. With these two by my side, I can do this.

**********

You walked away from the place where they had just laid your mother to rest. I hope she's at rest. You hope she had some kind of peace. No more fighting the war within herself. You cried more than you thought you would. Everything you held in completely broke through when you saw her being lowered into the ground.

Billy never let go of you, not once. Robin stood strongly beside you, your hand in hers. It would be okay. Eventually. Billy lit a cigarette and handed it to you as you made your way to his car. His stomach growled loudly and you giggled at him. "Sorry, babe. I didn't eat breakfast." he grumbled.

"Let's get you something to eat, yeah?" you said leaning up and kissing his lips. He smiled into your kiss and you came back immediately for another one. "We could grab something from the diner?" Robin suggested. You smiled at her and nodded. "I would love that." you said before pecking Billy's lips one more time.