It's You

Chapter 1

 I finally finished watching The Devil Judge and I've been enamoured with this ship for ages now and there are simply not enough fanfics out there. So a writer has to do what they must and write their own story to get their fill of fluffy and angsty Yohan and Gaon. Not to forget badass Elijah because the guys would be lost without her.

I can't promise a regular update schedule but I'll do my best to write quickly.

Trigger warnings for this chapter include a worringly lot of self-hatred and implied suicidal thoughts. It's not really suicidal thoughts but as I said, Gaon isn't coping well.

If anyone has read any of my other pieces they probably know I'm german so I'll make mistakes and appreciate helpful criticism.
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It was a day like any other after Yohan and Elijah had left his life - cold, lonely...painful. So painful Gaon sometimes forgot how to breathe. Nothing warned of the inevitable tragedy that his life would become in a matter of hours, though if someone had tried to tell him he'd have laughed, replying bitterly that his life was already shit and nothing could make it worse.

Of course, other people had it worse, Gaon knew that. And it wasn't like his life was actually pitiful from the outside perspective - he was a famous judge; he was fighting the corrupt system; he had no monetary worries, not after Yohan had left most of his heritage to him - far more than the younger would ever need. So yes, from another perspective his life was amazing.

But Gaon... Gaon didn't feel amazing, didn't feel happy nor satisfied and proud of what he had done to honour Yohan's last wish. The system was changing, slowly but surely under Gaon's continued pressure for justice and his support by the people. It was what Yohan had envisioned – at least Gaon told himself that because if he didn't, he wasn't sure he could keep going.

Gaon had everything but he also had nothing.

Nothing worth holding on to.

His mentor had turned out to be just as corrupt as the system he was fighting against, using Gaon as a puppet to hurt Yohan and like a loyal puppy he had played right into the Professor's hands.

Soohyun was dead, killed because he had her gotten mixed up in things she shouldn't have, and with her gone Gaon hadn't just lost his only friend but also his only confidant.

Those two had been his only bonds for years until he met Kang Yohan and Elijah.

Two brilliant, kind-hearted people that had opened their home to him and what had Gaon done?!

Betrayed them like it was nothing. Like they hadn't meant something to him, something he hadn't had for years. Something he had lost so long ago. Something that had been ripped away by the searing corruption of the system. Something he had believed would be forever out of reach.

A family.

Despite their differences and fights, Gaon had come to adore the Kangs. He had come to like Miss Ji terrible cooking. He had come to look forward to his tea parties with Elijah. And he had come to cherish Yohan's weird way of making sure they were protected.

But like always he could never keep the things that made him smile.

In the blink of an eye they had left his life and Gaon was alone again.

Even if either of them would reach out to him again, be it because he messed up and Yohan had to clean up after him or because Elijah wanted to tell him she'd never forgive him, Gaon wouldn't go back to them. He couldn't. He refused to ever hurt them again and it was the one promise he'd die keeping.

There were days the younger couldn't even see his own reflection in the mirror without breaking down.

And, oh, it wasn't the crying, sobbing kind of break down that would elicit pity from bystanders. No. It was the kind that ended with smashed glass and bleeding hands because for all his ability to see even the cruellest criminal to his just sentence, Gaon could hate with a force to fear.

That bottomless, never-ending, and all-consuming hatred was turned to only one person and one alone.

Himself.

Because all he could ever see was the face of a traitor. Ears that had listened to the slander of others. Eyes that had been blinded by his own foolish ignorance. Lips that had formed lies aiming to cause pain to those that didn't deserve it. Hands that had chosen to hurt Yohan. And Gaon wondered how Yohan had ever managed to touch him even if only in anger. He'd give anything to have those warm hands holding him again...no...he had decided to stay away. He had too.

His co-workers had come to fear the moments Gaon turned silent at work without visible cause; they couldn't read his thoughts so how would they recognize the moments his walls cracked, and the suppressed fury quelled out. There had only ever been one person seemingly able to recognize his limits and he was gone for good. In those moments he'd become someone else – a raging, spiteful monster lashing out at anyone crossing his path but most of it was targeted at himself.

It was incredible how guild and regret could change a person so that even the kindest one ended up as a monster.

Breathing out quietly, Gaon stared out of his large office window watching as dark, heavy thunderclouds chased the beautiful moon away, just like Gaon had done.

It was already past time to get out of the office and to his small apartment - not Home because his home was gone like a leave in the wind.

All he could do now was playing pretend but even that seemed to become harder with every day. Sometimes he wondered what he had done to deserve this torture and then he'd remember. He'd remember choosing and his hands red with Yohans' blood and betraying the ones he loved. He'd remember he deserved it all.

With another deep sigh the young judge got up, pushing some files into his desk, and locking it, before walking out of the office. The halls were empty which was nothing new as Gaon hadn't left the office earlier than midnight in weeks. It made him feel even smaller than he usually felt.

The moment Gaon stepped outside the sky broke open and in seconds he was drenched to the bones, cold fabric clinging to his thin body. Apathetic, Gaon looked up, letting the rain wash down his face as he tried to find the stars. A pointless endeavour in the city but it reminded him of the lone castle he had stayed in. It was the only graving Gaon allowed himself, the only moment he let his heart yearn for the family he had lost.

His therapist would say his star looking was the reason he worked so long into the night if Gaon ever returned her calls. His therapist would also stuff him full of food and wrap him in blankets if she saw what he'd turned into.

Shaking his head at his own ridiculous thoughts, Gaon started to stroll down the street, not even considering taking a cab despite the world-ending thunderstorm hurtling through the city. Only when thunder boomed just above him did the brunet flinch and hasten his pace.

There was no one waiting for him back at his apartment and it wasn't like it would matter if he became sick. The court would be fine without him, in fact his co-workers would probably enjoy a day free from his explosive temper.

A dark chuckle escaped his lips, wet hair falling into his eyes as he pulled his head down. He had become so pathetic. Elijah would hit him if she saw him now and Yohan... Yohan would be so disappointed.

It wouldn't be something new. He had never managed to make the other man proud any way.

Entrenched in his own thoughts Gaon didn't look as he hurried across the road; there wouldn't be a lot of cars any way, not at this time and not in this weather.

A steady stream of cold water ran down his spin and the brunet shivered, hugging himself to keep ag least a little bit of warmth.

Had he ever hugged Yohan like this? He couldn't remember.

Suddenly, a bright light flashed in the corner of his eye and Gaon looked up curiously to see a car driving recklessly towards him.

He should move, right? That would be the normal reaction, right? Moving out of the way of a speeding vehicle. But he was tired...

His mind screamed words he couldn't understand as his body stood frozen in place and he watched almost calmly the closer coming car. It felt like hours until they collided though it must have been only seconds.

Gaons' body was flung through the air like a ragdoll and for some reason he didn't even panic. No, he only begged whatever god was out there to let him forget. He didn't want to keep going with the memories of what he had done haunting him, no matter how cowardly it sounded. But wasn't that who he was at his core?

Cowardly and selfish Kim Gaon who always hurt the ones he loved.

Gaon didn't hear himself scream as his body crashed against the wet cold asphalt before the air was forced out of his lungs. He didn't even realize that he was no longer standing until something wet dripped into his eye stinging in a way rain never did.

The last thing the brunet saw were the red backlights of the car that had run him over. He should probably memories the license plate, but he... didn't want to...

Ko Inguk was a man prepared for many situations, had to be to work together with someone like Kang Yohan but even he wasn't prepared for a call from the local hospital informing him that the famous Judge Kim was currently in surgery and as all of his emergency contacts were deceased, he was the closest associate to informer.

No, Inguk was not at all prepared for that kind of scenario much less for the catastrophe that would follow when Yohan got wind of it. And he had no doubt the man would figure it out sooner or later so why prolong the inevitable?

Shakily, he pressed in a foreign number listening with bated breath to the usual rings until finally someone picked up, a gruff voice snapping at him if he knew what time it was.

Honestly, Inguk didn't know. Only that it was after midnight in Korea.

The lawyer never had reason to fear Kang Yohan but at this moment he was afraid to inform him of Gaons' situation.

"I apologize, Yohan-ssi," he mumbled tonelessly already pulling on his shoes and snatching a coat before hastening outside. "But..."

He wasn't sure what to tell the other as he didn't know much either. Was it too hasty to tell him of the youngers' accident when Inguk wasn't even sure how serious it was? The truth was he hadn't seen the young judge in weeks and the last time should have already been a warning sign.

He should have informed Yohan earlier that the man wasn't coping well.

"Yah, spit it out." echoed Yohan's voice sharply over the phone.

Taking a deep breath and steeling himself, Inguk hastily explained: "Gaon has been in an accident and is currently in surgery. I don't know how bad it is, but I thought..."

"Kim Gaon?"

Was that terror that laced Yohan's voice? It couldn't have been. Chastising himself inwardly, Inguk waved down a cab telling the driver to address hastily.

"I'm afraid so, sir. I'm on my way there now. Apparently, I was the only one the hospital could get a hold of. I'll call you back as soon as-"

"No!"

Immediately the lawyer sat up straighter, fingers clutching the phone tighter.

"Don't you dare end the call now! " Yo Han hissed as a loud crash echoed through the line and Elijah's confused voice joined in.

"Sir-"

"Stay on the goddamn phone! I'm on my way and when I get to the airport Elijah will take over. Until then I want to listen in, do you understand!"

Muffled noises and a scared gasp from the young girl and a door slammed shut until Yohan spoke again.

"Where are you now?"

Looking out of the window Inguk answered quietly: "At the hospital, sir. I'm just getting out of the cab."

"Good, good..."

"Sir, I really-" but before he could tell the other to drive safely and to trust in him, Inguk got cut off again.

Yohan's voice shaken like Inguk had never heard as he whispered: "I'm coming. I'm coming back just hold on."

He didn't think those words were meant for him or that Yohan even realised he was speaking out loud.