It's You

Chapter 14

They spent the rest of the day in the garden, Yohan's hand intertwined in the younger's hair as he kept the hammock swinging gently in hopes to let him rest for a while longer. He'd rarely felt so at peace as in this moment with the sun setting and the last golden rays touching the sleeping man in his lap, so entirely unafraid of Yohan that he freely let his guard down, allowing him to see a side he'd only caught glimpses of up until now.

Now he saw a Gaon without any mask, neither the righteous Associate Judge - Min Jeong Ho's little pet - nor the hate-filled child thirsting for revenge on the man who had killed his parents or the always cheerful man he played in front of Elijah.

Today he saw Gaon who slept peacefully in the arms of a monster, face free of the worry lines that seemed to be etched into the pale skin.

Today he saw the dark bags beneath his eyes and the bitten lips that spoke of something deeper than physical exhaustion.

Today he saw thin, long fingers twisted into his shirt even in sleep as if he was afraid of being abandoned.

Today he saw him curling into himself, appearing only that much smaller and fragile by the white bandage peaking beneath his shirt.

Today Yohan saw Gaon as what he was: afraid and longing.

The realisation nurtured the small flames of love until they turned into an all-consuming fire. This was the moment Yohan knew it had been a mistake coming back. Because that all-consuming feeling, so toxic and addictive, wouldn't let him leave the younger alone. Gaon would never be free of him now that he had figured out what that foreign desire was because Yohan knew himself well enough to realise that as long as he was in the same country, he'd do anything to intervene in a potential relationship of the younger with another. Nevertheless, he wouldn't be able to leave the younger behind either, not again, not now.

The only thing left to do was hope that those feelings would disappear soon, a fleeting crush but nothing more. On the other hand, he lamented the loss already. It was a terrible feeling - wanting to keep that warmth for himself and praying it wouldn't last in the same breath. Gaon deserved so much more than him, something better than an old, broken man who wouldn't ever be able to give him what he deserved. But Yohan couldn't give up the younger.

There was no way out of it without destroying either of them to the core.

Even though most of his thoughts spun around the terrifying, world-changing realisation that he saw much more in Kim Gaon than a good friend, Yohan hadn't forgotten his earlier decision to look further into Gaon's dissociative amnesia and how to best help him deal with the fallout. Never again did he want to be in a situation like earlier with the younger staring vacantly at him but being unreachable for Yohan. The sunny afternoon was perfect to search the net for answers while also keeping the addictive drug that was the sweet brunet on his lap.

Though what he found unsettled him greatly, much more than he'd like to admit. Additionally, to Doctor Lee's explanation various websites stated that dissociative amnesia was considered a type of dissociative disorder that involved the inability to recall important personal information that wasn't typically lost with ordinary forgetting. The truly unsettling part came up when his eyes skimmed over the list of possible traumatic or stressful experiences the patient could have endured or witnessed.

Physical or sexual abuse.

If someone had dared to abuse the younger in the six months, he'd been absent, Yohan didn't think he'd leave Korea with clean hands.

Rape.

His hands subconsciously twisted further into the messy shock, eliciting a drowsy moan from the sleeping man before he quickly patted the hurting part apologetically.