It's You

Chapter 16

After that night, where Yohan had allowed himself to fall without fear and Gaon had been there to catch him, to sooth the pains Yohan bared to him, they found themselves slipping into a new routine neither really wanted to put a name on in fear of it breaking the wonderful time.

In the morning they'd have breakfast together and talk with Elijah via facetime. At first Yohan had simply re-heated one of the pre-made dishes but after the fifth day he had surprised Gaon with self-made, though slightly burned toast and eggs. Gaon loved those mornings together; there was a special place in his heart reserved for only the sight of Yohan trying to make something eatable without setting the kitchen on fire. But it wasn't only the adorable pout that would graze Yohan's face when he was concentrating intensely which made Gaon love those mornings. It was far more than that. It was when Elijah and Yohan fought like children for his attention that he felt like they were a family. A strange, slightly broken but undeniable happy family and it was that reality Gaon found himself longing for.

After breakfast Yohan would usually drive them around all kind of places in hope of stirring Gaon's memory. So far, they had visited some rundown districts, closed-off buildings that had belonged to a project named Dream Village by a so-called Social Responsibility Foundation, a few restaurants and other seemingly ordinary buildings. Once, Yohan had even driven them to a winery far outside the busy city, showing Gaon the ruins of a small, burned down shed and whatever else the fire had spared. He wasn't quite sure what the elder had expected when he'd driven past a prison or had shown him the courthouse, but he figured it had something to do with his or both of their jobs as judges.

Yohan had been trying so hard, but Gaon didn't recall anything special with those places and secretly he was a little bit glad about it. In fact, ever since that last memory of his childhood friend dying in his arms while he helplessly watched the earth turn red, red, red, it was as if his mind had decided it was enough. And while it was slightly bothersome being unable to trust his own mind while he was still missing so much, it also meant that Gaon could guiltlessly enjoy the small signs of affection from the elder. If that was the price for having Yohan as his, Gaon began to consider it worthy.

After an eventful morning, they'd either return home for lunch or eat out depending on where they were. Either way, they'd return home in the evening and enjoy the warm rays of sunshine in the garden, either quietly reading or talking with Elijah again until it would be time for Gaon's daily doctor appointment, one that Yohan almost religiously kept to, more concerned about the lack of memories than Gaon himself.

Then when it was time to turn in for the night, they'd always find themselves in one bed, whether that would be Yohan's or the one in Gaon's room. Sometimes Yohan would read to him until he fell asleep to the soothing sound of his low voice and Gaon cherished those nights just as much as their shared mornings. And with the elder's voice the last thing on his mind no nightmare about the death of Yohan or Soohyun would haunt him during the night.

Other nights he would wake screaming, scared by shadows he couldn't recognise only for Yohan to hold him tight as he trembled from the aftermath. Unfortunately, those nights were just as common as the nights he dreamed soundly.

Most of the days, however, were wonderful, filled with a happiness – a satisfaction – Gaon couldn't remember having felt before. He took it all in, thirsting for it like a prisoner who'd seen the sun again after decades in darkness.

But it couldn't all be rainbow and sunshine because life was hardly fair. Gaon had had realised that quite suddenly when after the first week of indescribable bliss he hadn't found the strength to get out of bed for no apparent reason. He'd woken after a nightmare of blank faces and old hands reaching for his heart, tearing it apart without remorse and leaving Gaon in darkness. Yohan had been there, curled up against his chest but almost instantly wrapping his arms around the younger the moment he'd noticed he was awake. Any other time Gaon would have smiled slightly - at the least a slight curl of his lips - at the cuteness of the other that even half-asleep he'd notice his tumult and reach out to comfort but on that day he hadn't. Because he hadn't woken confused or scared but feeling heavy and so, so empty like there was no point in even being awake. The arms holding him hadn't given him warmth, had only been the limbs of another person and not the safety they used to be.