𝐆𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐀 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄 𝐌𝐄. | ✔︎

seven: therapy.

amani.

trigger warning!! please continue graciously.

"so how's everything been?" my therapist, cherise asked.

"uh it was cool. until i felt myself slipping again. i just... know it's coming and i'm scared."

she nodded, urging me to keep going.

"i thought i was doing good, you know? good enough that i could finally forget it and let the shit rest but now it's like i can't shake it. it'll always haunt me and i don't know if that's something i'm willing to keep dealing with."

she wrote some things down on her notepad before looking back up at me.

"it's a process, amani. you'll never be able to forget what you've been through because the trauma you've endured is horrible. and it's unimaginable how much it affects you."

"so what's the point? i wanted to try to forget it, not keep living with it."

"the point is to learn how to deal with it. have you cut in a while?"

"last time i cut was last month. haven't really had the time lately. or the time to even think."

"and why is that?"

"um...i met some new friends. there's this one, janae, and she's just always around. like i'll try to distance myself because of everything i have going on but she just...irritates me so much that i don't even focus on everything else."

"sounds like you've found somebody."

i scrunched my face up.

"nah. we just friends."

"we'll get into that later. so, have you felt the need to cut lately?"

"of course. it never goes away. especially when i feel myself slipping into a episode."

"i know it may not seem like it, but being able to recognize that you're going into a episode is amazing. it shows real growth and how you're more in touch with your feelings."

i shrugged my shoulders.

"shit just seems black and white lately. either it's good or it's bad. and sometimes i'll just zone out. or i'll keep falling asleep in class."

"have you gotten any sleep lately?"

"it's on and off. sometimes all i wanna do is stay in and sleep as for other times i can't sleep at all because the images just keep playing in my head."

"the images of those nights correct?"

i swallowed roughly before nodding.

"how do those make you feel?" cherise asked.

"helpless. like it's years later and i still can't get in under control. and before you say it, i know the shit i've been through is heavy but i just want it all to go away. like when does it ever stop being hard? will i ever get a break?"

"yes you will. look amani, healing is a process. a very long and hard one. there will be days when you want to give up and days where you want to keep going because it gives you purpose. the point of therapy and learning to deal with it is to find the perfect middle ground."

"which is?"

"i don't know. that's up for you to decide. you need to find something or someone that balances everything out. where you don't focus on the bad because it or they make you look at things in a different light."

"i don't think a person is the answer to my trauma, cherry." i said, calling her the nickname i gave her.

"that's not what i'm saying. i'm saying part of the healing process is finding new things that can possibly help you"