𝐆𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐀 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄 𝐌𝐄. | ✔︎

thirty eight: skyzone.

janae.

"fix yo' face." amani nudged me.

i rolled my eyes.

"c'mon we going to sky zone, be happy. i know i am." she smiled, making my mug turn into a smile.

"i know, ma. i'm sorry. my mind just a lil' clouded right now." i admitted.

it's true.

between the owner having the tape, my mother being alive, me having to go back to new york to avoid being arrested and having to ensure i give amani everything is making my head hurt.

i get stressed when i'm juggling too much.

and i spazz.

"talk to me." amani spoke, sitting on my lap.

i wrapped my arms around her waist, placing a trail of gentle kisses on her jaw.

"stop tryna get freaky and tell me what's wrong." amani slightly moaned, making me laugh.

"you know what's wrong, ma. it's the same shit, ain't nun' new." i bit my lip.

"have you talked to rashaad?"

i nodded.

me and rashaad have gotten close over the short time period since i've met him.

we have way more in common than i thought and he reminds me so much of a boy version of nik.

it's nice to have the sibling bond with someone i actually share the same blood with.

i have this bond with shamari and jakobi but it's nothing like having this bond with my brother.

"he's been giving me updates on mama but he knows i ain't tryna talk about it for real until i get down there. i'm just a lil' scared to face her."

"why?"

"i don't wanna slowly start hating her...is that bad? like she's my mother and no matter what we go through she'll always be that. and i love her. but what if i get answers to all my questions?"

"you'll get the closure you need, janae."

i shook my head.

"what if i don't wanna know? but i wanna know at the same time. i'm really just wondering if her having rashaad was the reason for everything. but what if i start to resent him for that too? not saying i want to or that i will but knowing my mental and how i resent a lot of people, i don't want him to be next when i just started forming a bond with him."

amani nodded.

"even if you start to resent him for it, you can't blame him. he didn't ask to be here and i'm sure he didn't intend on growing up not knowing anything about his three other siblings or the family that she hauled away to dc to avoid confrontation. he wants to get away from this pain just like all of y'all do. but instead, him and malani are trying to find the silver lining."

i scrunched my face up.

"what silver lining is it to this situation, amani?"

she shrugged.

"you having a new brother? you rekindling with your cousins? or the possibility of you getting closure at the end of this."

i sighed.

"you feel like i'm dragging it?" i asked.

"no. i feel like you have the right to feel any way you feel right now 'cause this is genuinely a fucked up situation. however, you do need to learn how to listen to people instead of shutting them out. if you hear how other people feel, it can alter your perspective a lot. maybe it'll make things better." amani said, tucking one of my fallen curls back into my bun.