BLACK ROSE

The end

Ashley. 

Even the beautiful sunny weather, warm breeze and singing of birds cannot cheer me up. I stare at the water surface of our swimming pool, the rays of sunlight reflecting on it, while stirring the small teaspoon in the cup of my morning tea.

I sigh.

The sounds of New York City reach my ears despite living in a rather quiet area. Surrounded by similar houses, elegant and enormous, belonging to rich people. Stuck up rich people, the ones I've met so far. Somewhere afar a car honks, so loudly and long it annoys my ears. The sound of an ambulance follows shortly after. Ambulance or perhaps the police. The life around me is continuing, undisturbed.

And here I am questioning my whole existence – the past, the short term present and mostly the future. I'm standing before a decision that will have a consequential effect on my future. A decision I might regret right after being made. A decision....

My phone, laying on the table in the only gumshoe place, disturbs my thinking with its loud ringing.

Mae's voice echoes through the phone before I can even greet her. "Hi! What are your plans for today?"

An early morning call surely wasn't what I had in mind when I woke up this morning, but perhaps a little socialising will only do me well.

"Ehm.... Practise in the afternoon, then nothing much. Why?"

"We haven't hung out together in a long time," she says. I can see the smile on her face. "And I'm free today."

"Ooooh, Miss Mae has a clear schedule for the day. I'm honoured you called me."

"You should be," she closes and opens a door. "There's a long list of people that would kill to spend their day with me."

"I wouldn't dare to disagree," I sip from my tea. "And I suppose Parker's right on the top."

Mae laughs and I imagine the shake of her head, the curls jumping lightly. "I wasn't expecting this from you Ash. But yes, boys have always been on the top."

"Of course they have."

"So, what's your answer? Will you clear some space for me in your not-so-busy schedule?"

I pretend to think. "Hm... well, I guess I could. Depends on what you have in mind though."

She presents me with numerous ideas, rambles on about countless other things we should do in the future.

********

Memories of the kiss with Alex have been haunting my mind nonstop.

When I close my eyes I see him. I see the scene. I feel his hot breath on my skin, his delicate touch tracing my curves. I feel the butterflies in my stomach and the excitement in my chest.

Something different, something I've never felt with Leo.

When I open them and allow myself just one second of free thinking, I'm instantly taken back. My thoughts belong to him.

And somewhere in the chaos of thoughts of Alex, thoughts of Leo exist too. Not in a symbiosis, in a disturbing atmosphere. When I think of Leo my stomach tightens. I get trapped in guilt and fear and endless shame. I've reached a point where looking at myself in the mirror is impossible. I can barely stand the thought of myself, not to look at myself. I pass by mirrors at lighting speed, avoiding them.

I'm a cheater. Nothing more but a regular cheater.

I told myself I loved Leo. I told myself I fell hard for him, that the feelings he made me feel were real. I told myself I had finally found myself someone worth it.